Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 9/3/2010

Question
I have been married for almost 30 years. I was 19 when I got married and so excited about the opportunity of marrying someone who loved me so much and believed the same way as me spiritually. The problem began 2 days after the honeymoon. I suddenly became aware that my husband had an over anger management/controlling behavior that scared me to pieces for years and then when I finally stated I would call the police after the hole in the wall was evidence he pulled into ignoring me. What my whole controversy is is why do all the pastors I have approached not want to give me a straight answer about leaving this situation from a Biblical perspective? What is Gods view on an abusive marriage and can I leave and can I find a more appropriate partner in the future or am I to stay alone forever?

Answer
Dear Natalie,
I very clearly understand your question.  Most of the reason that you don't get clear direction, at least in my opinion, is that many pastors and Christian leaders don't understand what the scriptures really say about divorce and abuse.  In their hearts they know that abuse is wrong and there should be an out, but they have been taught that divorce is a sin and scriptures seem to say that there is no way out. They don't want to be in error, which is a good thing. Therefore, they come right up to the edge without actually saying to leave...they give you as much guidance as they can and then leave it up to you to figure out the rest.  It is frustrating when you are asking for clarity, but that is probably what is happening.

Yes, you can absolutely leave an abusive marriage and I'm going to refer you to my blog at www.livingwellcc.blogspot.com for the answer because I've published an article there with some great references that will make it all clear to you.  It is too lengthy to post the answer here and you really need to read the entire article in order to get the fullness of the context it is written in.  There is a lady who commented with a resource that I have since purchased and intend to read that answers the question well, I think.  Please go there - the title of the article is listed on the left side and you can just click on it....It should read Divorce as it pertains to Christians...

There are other articles there that would be helpful to you as well.  Abusive relationships are complicated and difficult to leave for so many reasons.  Conditioning, intimidation and so much more play into it.  You know in your heart what the answer is, but like so many others, you have looked to authority figures to validate you and haven't found what you needed.

David Instone-Brewer also wrote an article on Divorce and Remarriage in the Church which I have posted on my website at www.livingwellcc.com.  Look under library and you'll find it.  These are great resources and you will feel as though you've gotten a breath of fresh air when you read them.  

Please feel free to contact me again after you've read through these articles.  I'd be happy to answer any questions that you have.

Many blessings, Kriss Mitchell
www.livingwellcc.com
www.livingwellcc.blogspot.com