Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 9/1/2010

Question
Iv'e been with my hubby for almost 25yrs married for10 of them hes a good guy but he has a way of always making things out to where itys my fault like if he does things that make me mad or upset intead of talking about it he turns it on me and gets mad at me like im at fault then he takes off and leaves then for a couple days he wont even speak to me then when he does he excpects me to forgive an forget which i usally do just to keep the peace. Or at times when he drinks he becomes angry an likes to argue with me blaming me for things that happened in the past just making me feel like im a terrible person when hes mad at someone or had a bad day at work instead of confronting thaty person he takes his fustrations out on me. When i get upset and start tyo cry he tells me to grow up thaty im just trying to make people feel sorry for me. Its like hes perfect an does no wrong. I mean he can just take off and go somewhere and i'm not suppsed to ask him where he went but if i do it im in the wrong for not telling him where i was going hje buys things he wants without consalting me but questionms me why i bought what i did i mean if there was a earthquake and he had plans for that day it would be all my fault any thoughts about his behavior because its just not normal and he doest understand what its doing to me mentally

Answer
Hi Darlene,
I'd like you to take a look at your question again.  You start out by telling me your husband is a good guy and then list an extensive series of behaviors that are very controlling and emotionally abusive.  Those behaviors do not come from the character of a "good guy".  You list a series of double standards, domination and various forms of abuse which also are not the behavior of someone who is a "good guy".  

One thing I'd like you to evaluate is whether the illusion of being a good guy comes from those times in the relationship when the abuse stops.  If that is so, there isn't anything good about that either...it just means there is a break in the action.  In order to restore and bring about a healthy dynamic, he would need to go beyond stopping the abuse and move into the arena of respect, honor and freedom of choice.  If he is not doing that, you are just going through a cycle of abuse that continues with breaks along the way.

I'm not sure what question you are asking, but if you are asking about how to deal with this behavior, the answer in all cases are counseling for you both and establishing appropriate boundaries for you.  He can only treat you this way because you allow him to.  You have choices in this situation as well.  You can begin by telling him this behavior is not appropriate and establishing whatever consequences you believe are appropriate if he continues in the behavior.  You can choose to remove yourself from the situation when he begins the abusive behavior.  I would encourage you to invest in some abuse counseling.  This kind of counseling will help you decide what appropriate boundaries are and what kind of consequences you have to choose from.  If he doesn't change, he doesn't get the privilege of having you in his life.  I would encourage you to visit my website and my blog for more information.  On my website there is a library page where you can download an article called "The cycle of domestic violence".  You will want to take a look at that so you can get out of the cycle of abuse.

I don't believe for a minute that he doesn't know what his behavior does to you.  He is achieving the results he desires because the behavior works.  He gets what he wants...compliance.  These are bully tactics and bullies know exactly what they are doing and why.  

If I haven't answered the question you wanted to ask, please feel free to write again if I can be of any further assistance.  I truly wish you well and hope that you see that change lies within your hands.  He doesn't have any power over you that you don't give him and you can take it back at any time.

Many blessings, Kriss Mitchell
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