Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 9/27/2010

Question
Dear Kriss
I’m in a relationship which has been getting more difficult, and I’m not sure whether our problems are ones that are likely to be workable, or whether it is in my best interests to leave the relationship.  We’ve been together 1.25 years.  I was initially attracted to him because we could have interesting conversations, and he has interesting hobbies (some of which I share), and he seemed emotionally mature.  Physical attraction has never been the main thing between us for me, though I did (do?) find him quite attractive.  (He has always felt that I don’t fancy him as much as he fancies me, which has caused a few difficulties in the past.)

The main problem we have is that boyfriend has some anger management problems.  He is a schoolteacher, and seems to bring his ‘teacher’ personality home with him, and sometimes talks to me as if I am a child, and/or loses his temper if he doesn’t get his own way when he me to do something at the time he wants it done.  He had a few issues at his past school with parents complaining that he has yelled at their child inappropriately, or been too harsh.  He had a formal warning because a past student emailed him to ask for advice about her university application, and because he had found her difficult in his classes he felt he was justified in writing a rude email back saying that lots of his students wrote him cards and gave him presents to say thank you for teaching them, and why did she think it was ok to just email him to ask for advice when she hadn’t been a grateful student.
He also had a run-in with the law because he kicked a guy’s car after the guy cut him up when he was  cycling.  He got a caution for criminal damage, which nearly cost him his new job.  His new boss suggested that he should seek anger management counselling.

Anyway, that was to illustrate that the issue goes beyond me.  My main problem is that his behaviour in the past 3 months has affected our relationship, as I feel that he takes out his anger and stress on me.  I had been letting myself get hurt and upset by his angry behaviour – he has been really critical of me, and I started to feel like whatever I did it was the wrong thing.  I don't show him enough love, or I don't try hard enough to make things nice between us.  Or I don't apologise when I have upset him (for things I felt he was overreacting about).  So my self esteem was getting low and I always ended up crying and feeling rubbish. Things got worse after he moved into my flat (his new job is near my house).  He complains that I didn’t make him feel welcome enough, that the house is too messy, the location too noisy, and so on.  I started arguing back when he was picking on me, but that didn’t help because I realised that I was just getting caught up in stupid arguments that didn’t have an end.  When I disagreed with him I got accused of ‘invalidating his feelings’, being defensive or not listening to him.

I keep thinking that we have made progress by talking about things, then I feel like we’ve gone back to square one.  Finally, last weekend I wrote him a letter saying I wasn’t going to put up with aggressive outbursts, him pointing at me and shouting, or being spoken to as if I were a child.  I said that I wasn’t going to get involved in the arguments I was just going to leave the room.  This weekend I thought we’d made progress as he said he really wants things to work, and that he has been really shaken by the effect he’s been having on me.  We also agreed that he would look for a place to rent somewhere he likes and that we both agree on, and that if things are going better for us in two months I will maybe move in with him there.  I thought things had calmed down and there was a light at the end of the tunnel.  Then yesterday I wasn’t in the mood for anything intimate/physical and he got all stressed and angry again and started getting having a strop at me about the house being too messy (square one!).

I do have compassion and forgiveness for him, as I know he is finding things really hard, and that a lot of his anger is coming from a lack of self esteem and therefore a need to control things.  It has been hard for him to move into my flat, and I think he feels some loss of power or masculinity attached to that.  My compassion in itself creates space between us though, as although it helps me not to feel so hurt and upset, it makes me feel sorry for him rather than feeling on a level with him.

I’m wondering at the moment whether we have hope of working things out.  He has agreed to see a therapist to look at his anger issues, but seems to have played them down at his initial consultation.  I’m going to see my old therapist who I saw for two years a while back to try to look after myself.

Sorry that this has been such a long question!  Do you have any advice?  Should I stay?  I would really appreciate any advice or suggestions you can give me.
Thank you!


Answer
Dear Alexia,
The main thing abusers do to keep their victims being strung along is to provide some avenue of hope to keep the future alive.  It is a game if they truly do not put "feet" to their actions.  If someone goes to counseling but plays down their issues, they aren't really seeking help, they are just playing a game to say they have been to counseling.

If people didn't put up with this type of behavior, these types of individuals would either change or find themselves very lonely.  You don't have to put up with this and the idea that you would give up your home to move in with someone who is treating you badly now is not good wisdom.  Why would you put yourself in a position to have nowhere to go if you needed to move out?  You are the one who needs protection so it is important for you not to give up your positions of strength.

Working things out between two people usually means deciding what color the sheets are, what kind of neighborhood you are happy living in, what kind of car you would buy.  What you are dealing with here are deep seated psychological problems that will take much time and dedication to work out, if he decides he wants to do that.  If he is treating you without respect or honor now and doesn't see that it is wrong to treat another human being that way, those are major red flags in a relationship.  Having a place in another person's life is a privilege and should be treated that way.  

Honestly, you should really walk away from this guy because his personality and lack of respect for human beings in general is going to take him down and if you are with him, you'll go down the drain too.  I would strongly encourage you to get some abuse counseling for yourself so that you can more easily see and walk away from men like this.  He is bad news and sounds a little narcissistic, although that is not a diagnosis by any means.  I say that because your description makes him sound as though he believes that others exist to serve him and make him happy, which is not the case.  If you are dealing with a narcissist, you need to run as fast as you can in the other direction.  

I would also encourage you to read the information that I have posted on my blog about abuse and its characteristics in a relationship.  You can find it at www.livingwellcc.blogspot.com.  I think you will get some good direction there from some of the articles.

If I can be of any further assistance, please feel free to contact me again.  I wish you well and strongly encourage you to get the support you need to be able to make wise choices about this situation.

Blessings,  Kriss Mitchell

www.livingwellcc.com
www.livingwellcc.blogspot.com