Expert: james52144@earthlink.net - 1/15/2011

Question
Hi,
I posted a similar question in the addiction category and the expert was very helpful but I thought I'd post something to get another response.

My boyfriend is an alcoholic and Im finding it very hard to let him go. I broke up with him on new years eve because of his choice to go out drinking rather than attend an AA meeting like we had planned.  He has constantly disappointed me but then does his best to manipulate me into feeling like I was wrong to be upset.  I dont know if he knows what hes doing or if he honestly believes the excuses he gives me but it makes me feel horrible for falling for it every time. I feel like Im so foolish for staying with him but I cant get over the tiny glimpse of hope that I have that things will change.  I asked him to get back together and he tells me that he just needs a break to go do his own thing. In reality, I know that it means that he has no desire to change, at least not with me. And it makes me feel horrible. I just dont want to be without him but I dont want to be with him as long as he's drinking.  When I tell him that, he tells me that Im too controlling and then I feel horrible for making him feel that way.  He does things that are so bad but tells me that it's not that bad and blames it on someone else, if not me.  On top of that, I dont want him to be with anyone else. I dont want to leave him and he sober up tomorrow and find someone else and they live a wonderful life together... The life I thought we were going to live.   I just dont want to be without him even when I know that this is unhealthy for me... I keep thinking, what if it's really not that bad and that if I back off he'll see how much the drinking is hurting me and he'll stop.

I dont know if any of this makes sense but I just dont know what Im supposed to do anymore. Everyone says do what you feel is right for me... But I honestly dont know whats right.  Im truly afraid Ill never love anyone else.

Answer
Dear Stephani

Leave him. It is an irrational thought that he would sober up and make someone else happy. If you sober up a horse thief, you have a horse thief. You are in love with someone that does not exist. It is clear that he does not love you since he will not sober up. He loves alcohol at the moment. That may change in the future, perhaps. Good luck.