Expert: David Simonsen - 1/20/2011

Question
For almost a year I've been involved in a situation with a guy where emotional and verbal abuse has played a major role. Part of me believes he's a narcissist. He's drained me or I allowed myself to be drained by staying in contact with him. I even at one point began to question my own sanity. He constantly said to me " You're crazy " or " You're insane ". He has no concern for how I feel. I always found myself trying to not say this or that to set him off and always trying to get on his good side. Whenever we get into a heated topic, he becomes angry/frustrated, tells me that " It doesn't matter. ", tells me to just stop. His latest insult said to me during an argument was him telling me and I quote " If you don't know that I don't like you cause you're crazy, then you're crazy. ", he actually said that and it threw me, left me speechless to tell you the truth.

Do abusive men target specific women to abuse? I'm not the quiet or timid type, I'm very assertive, I stand up for myself and I won't back down from him when he starts going off. Yet, this one, he keeps me off balance and its as if he only treats me this way, but no one else. I'm conflicted with whether or not it is in fact me and maybe I am the irrational one that's caused him to treat me so badly, lash out at me if he doesn't treat other women the way he does me.

He joked one time when I thought we were back on good terms, he said I was persistent when I asked him what he thought of me now. At the same time its my persistence that seems to annoy him in trying to resolve our underlying issue. How do you distinguish from being manipulated to you're just not taking the hint he wants you out of his life?

Answer
Janine,
Seriously....why are you still with this guy? Is this what you think you deserve? I would suggest you move on to someone else who actually wants to be in a mutually sound relationship. This is nothing but dysfunction as you describe it. Sure there are probably good times, but I can't imagine that they outweigh the verbal abuse that takes place. Use your assertiveness and leave the relationship. I would question your assertiveness with him. If it were true his abuse would stop because he would be worried you would leave. You don't leave so the abuse won't stop.
David
www.help4life.net