Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 1/3/2011

Question
QUESTION: What is a manipulative individual(s) goal when emotional abuse is involved? In my case, I was constantly being called crazy, insane and stupid. Even told me I was a joke and a clown. My feelings were always dismissed, just complete disregard, so much negative tension between myself and this one guy. There was an incident where we ran into each other at an event and it was as if we were total strangers. He made it a point to walk by me, making eye contact, but he didn't speak to me. I caught him smirking at me one time. Didn't know what to make of it.

I finally feel I need to close the chapter and put distance between myself and him for good. I message him, telling him that I wished him well and pretty much saying goodbye to him. Not expecting him to respond, but he responds back with a quote that said " Judge me not by the things you see when you look at me, but by the content of my character. The truth will set you free. " It completely threw a wrench in whatever I was thinking and was ready to do. I felt myself being pulled back into him and that's what happen only to be right back at the status quo a week later. His last words to me after I began questioning him on his behavior and how he treated me was " If you don't know that I don't like you cause you're crazy, then you're crazy. "

Ten months of this and I don't understand. I'm not the quiet or submissive type. He knows this. I have no problem speaking my mind or letting him know how I feel, but I literally am drained. And even questioned my own sanity at one point. Can you please provide me some insight. You wanna know a kicker? This was a guy I was not dating. We'd only met a handful of times, but something between us was so strong that for ten months this drama has carried on.

ANSWER: Dear Janine,
You ask a very complex question.  Emotional abuse can come from a variety of places.  Some men are bullies and they need to intimidate others in order to feel safe themselves, sometimes it comes from a place of having to criticize others in order to feel OK and in other situations it is a case of Borderline or Narcissistic personality disorders which are mental illnesses.  In the case of personality disorders, the abuser tends to be very charming which grooms the victim and pulls them in to the relationship and once the spider has its fly, so to speak, the abuser turns and begins controlling the individual through a variety of means which can include intimidation, control, manipulation and withdrawing love.  

In any case, it doesn't sound like this guy is a very good fit for you so to try and keep pursuing a relationship of any kind probably won't work.  If I had to choose a simple answer to your question, it would probably boil down to control.  People manipulate to gain control over people and their environment and this guy doesn't sound very nice about it.  Of course, control isn't very nice anyway  :)  

It isn't a matter of changing who you are as you should never change your basic identity in order to be in a relationship with anyone.  There is something wrong with this person that he needs professional help with and you don't have the skill set to make any kind of relationship work with him.  You are correct in your assessment of closing the chapter - just chalk it up to experience and go find someone you are more compatible with.

I would refer you to my blog at www.livingwellcc.blogspot.com.  It contains a lot of information about the whys and hows of abusive relationships that might help you further.  It's much more than I can put in this context.  If I can be of any further assistance to you, please feel free to contact me again.

Blessings,  Kriss Mitchell
www.livingwellcc.com
www.livingwellcc.blogspot.com

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank you for your words and advice. This has indeed been a life lesson. I guess what gets me is what the manipulator is hoping to control? In a situation where the manipulator is now in a relationship, what is his purpose to have control over my emotions or me in general when from his actions, words as contradictory as they have been say he doesn't want me and doesn't like me. I don't want him either. I deserve better. The entire events are something new that I've never experienced and its left me speechless and confused. I even at one point believed I was making him treat me this way.

Answer
Dear Janine,
On a very basic level, all human beings are afraid of 4 things....death, dying, rejection and abandonment.  I would venture to say (although I don't have any good statistics to prove it) that almost all people who control need to control their environment and the people in their environment in order to ensure that they don't get hurt.  Whatever that hurt happens to mean to them is different with each individual.  

It is very possible that you have run into someone who has a personality disorder, either borderline, narcissistic or anti-social.  Either of these three disorders would explain the behavior that you described.  They are all three very manipulative, very controlling.  Individuals who control do not trust others to give them what they want or need.  They believe that they have to manipulate people in order to get what they need out of life.  Because people are so different, these behaviors take on their own unique meaning and manifestation.  Some get angry and are cruel to others, some are charming and get what they want that way.  You may have also run into a man whose behavior is simply explained by the fact that he hates women.  In that case, he would need to control you because he wants to, because he wants to show you that he is in control and you are not.

Control is a nasty thing and I'm sorry that you had to go through such a terrible experience.  At least you can take away your experience from this and it will serve you well so that you won't get involved with another person like this again.

Thank you for following up.  Anytime you would like to discuss this further, please feel free to email me again.  I'm here for that purpose.

Blessings,  Kriss Mitchell
www.livingwellcc.com
www.livingwellcc.blogspot.com