Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 1/24/2011

Question
Hi, I've been married for four years and I have a son who is two now. Before I had my son, we lead a rather peaceful life with some quarrels over housework as my hubby do not help out much. After giving birth, with housework and taking care of baby, the stress level increased tremendously. Being the only son and grandson of his family, my son is being treasured tremendously by his family members and many a times, they put on increased pressure on me.

I started to become rude and started screaming and shouting at my hubby and his family when things get unruly as he is not helping out much and I do not feel his concern over me or our son. Everyday, I kept on complaining to him about his family and him not doing things right until sometimes he cannot tolerate any longer and started to throw temper at me. He started to shout at me and threatened me to stop my mediocrities by hitting his head against the wall and saying I'm driving him crazy.

I stopped by mediocrities for a while but couldn't control it for long. In the recent episode, he threatened me divorce and to stop talking otherwise he will hit me till I die.

I felt emotionally prohibited. I have to slog and tire myself everyday with housework and taking care of baby and yet prohibited to complain or nag at my hubby. I know partially it is my fault to keep on complaining but that is the only thing I can do to relieve my stress level! If he's not going to help out much, what else can I do? I've suggested getting a part-time helper but he didn't really agree to it. And his family members keep on putting pressure on me everytime my son falls sick, they'll pinpoint that I didn't take care of him right!

I thought of divorce but felt that my son would suffer because of this and I won't want to lose him. I have sort of sorted out my mind to treat my hubby better, but I felt that eventually I'll go out of control again, and I wonder why must it be me to tolerate all this.

I think I've really gone mad. Would be grateful for any advise.

Thanks.

Answer
Hi Joy,
I'm so sorry to hear that you are experiencing so much difficulty within your marriage.  Probably the biggest thing, as you know, that you are dealing with is your culture.  Although you didn't mention how old you are, it may be safe to assume that your inlaws are in mid-life and have not modified the traditional roles that they were brought up with.  You sound much more modern in your view point regarding sharing responsibilities and housework etc.  The difference in how you and your inlaws see husband and wife roles will effect your relationship with them.

However, that does not excuse the responses your husband is giving you.  You both have not been taught how to resolve conflict and when you reach the end of what you know to do, the screaming and yelling and threatening starts.  None of that is appropriate, nor does it move your relationship forward.  What I would recommend for you would be to begin to understand how to set boundaries and enforce consequences.  You will need to do that for your son, it is a good skill to have in every day life.  Screaming and yelling doesn't accomplish anything but inflicting hurt and making you seem out of control.  It is also not a good model for your son to see from either one of you.  If you have boundaries that include appropriate consequences, you don't need to yell, you simply enforce the consequences.  If the ones you have set don't change the behavior, then you set more stringent ones.  In the end, if things don't change, if you are being physically abused or being threatened with it, the last resort will be leaving.  Neither one of you can deal with this kind of relationship and be happy....neither can your son.  It is very damaging for him to be in a home where his parents are fighting and threatening each other.  He won't feel safe and he will learn, worst of all, that this is acceptable behavior.  

The hardest thing for people to move past once they have a child is that their home is never going to be spotless again.  As long as your house isn't dirty, taking care of your son is the priority.  Clutter can be lived with, dirt and germs are another thing.  You have limitations and your husband either must understand what they are or he will be very unhappy.  If the inlaws want the house clean, let them come over and help you...you might suggest that.  If your husband wants things done better, he has two hands and he can use them.  However, if he prefers traditional roles, that may be difficult for him to break out of.  It basically comes down to this....if he wants things done better than you can do them, then it is up to him to step up to the plate and help.  

There are many good books on boundaries....one is called Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend.  You and your husband may want to consider marriage counseling as well as learning conflict resolution skills; however, find a counselor that doesn't prefer traditional role styles in marriage.  If you find yourself the only one trying in the marriage, that seldom works.  However, he probably has some pressure on him from his parents as well and feels like he needs to be the perfect son...that is very difficult.  The two of you must try to figure this out, what works for you both rather than what works for your in-laws and call it good.  This is your marriage, not theirs.  If they aren't happy, that sounds like their issue and they need to deal with it.  As long as you and your husband are happy, that is what makes a good marriage.

If I can be of any further assistance, please feel free to contact me again.  You must stand in what you know...if you know you are a good mother, doing the best you can for your son and your family, it matters less what the inlaws say.

Blessings,  Kriss Mitchell
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