Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 1/6/2011

Question
QUESTION: Hi

I had been speaking to Cathy and yourself before Christmas about leaving my abusive partner. I wasn't sure if he was infact abusive and after talking to you, i realized he was. Since leaving him,  he had called and text a lot asking me to go back. On Tuesday he called me and we were chatting about how we should remain civil to each other. We live in a small town and i will bump into him a lot and we agreed we did not want to be on bad terms. we agreed to meet up as we lived together and i had to return his house keys etc.

when i met him, i don't even know what happened. We were talking and he looked a broken man. He has lost so much weight and looked so ill and was telling me about he had realized what he had lost. Something in my heart just melted and i was sure before leaving was the right thing to do..now I'm not sure. I am angry with myself for letting this happen, but at the same time, i was relieved to see him.

I stupidly kissed him when i left. The love i felt for him is still there..but so is the nagging doubt that i don't know if he can change. Before, he bottled up all of his emotions and to hear him opening up and saying how he felt broke me down.

I cannot tell my family that i have met him, they detest him. He was talking about if we got back together they would come round when they see how happy we are and how good he is treating me.

I'm sorry to rant on but this is the hardest thing i have ever had to do. I cannot really talk to many people around me as they think he had treated me badly and that i would be a fool to go back. i know this too and would hate myself if i went back to him and nothing had changed..but what if? Our main problems were his refusal to talk about any problems we had which would result in him flipping out and punching walls and doors etc. He was also flirting with lots of women, which he admits was an ego boost to him as he wanted to feel people wanted him. all of these things caused me pain, but why is my head not seeing this at the moment.

He has asked me to meet him tomorrow and i agreed to go. I don't know if this is a good idea. He has been to the Dr and they have referred him to a counselor to speak through this problems. They have so far told him he has issues with this anger and how he expresses himself.

any help you can give me would be very much appreciated.
Karen

ANSWER: Dear Karen,
This is exactly what happens in EVERY relationship when the woman decides to leave.  Of course it is hard on him, it is hard on you too, but that doesn't mean that you should just go back to him on his word.  He will say and do things at this point that will melt your heart, and he sounds believable because he believes what he is saying himself.  However there is absolutely NO EVIDENCE that his behavior will change.

It has taken you a significant amount of effort to leave the situation.  Now you are entering the honeymoon phase of the cycle of abuse.  The event has happened, you have left, he has said he is sorry.  It is a cycle, it happens over and over and over until you get out of it.  At this point the counselor hasn't told him anything that you didn't know already.  

You are vulnerable and this is a game he is playing.  It doesn't look like one, but they all play it and they all play it just like this.  You now will begin to feel sorry for him, you will start looking back on the past and picking out the things that weren't that bad to justify going back to him.  At this stage, you are too vulnerable to play that game and if you keep meeting him and talking to him, you'll cave in.  If it were me, I wouldn't even consider meeting with him until he has completed counseling and his counselor says that he is safe to be around.  At this point he has done close to nothing to change what has been going on between you.  He's desperate because he's not in control.  He truly believes the things that he is saying, but his past behavior tells you that he is not able to control his anger or his behavior so why would he be able to just because he says he can?  You've heard that one before.  The situation is playing on your compassionate heart, but you can't listen to your heart right now.  Listen to your family and the advice you are being given.

Every abuse story has a similar version of what you are saying and 99% of the time, the woman goes back and nothing changes.  He has a problem and without a lot of outside help, he won't have a chance to change.  That help cannot come from you...you don't have the skill set to help him and it is never appropriate to ask a victim to help the perpetrator recover.  He is a big boy and he can make the decisions he needs to in order to get the help he needs.  He could have done it a long time ago, its just that by leaving you've forced his hand.  I can't tell you how critical this time is in your relationship.  Don't enable him any more.  If you go back, you'll only postpone what really needs to happen.  He has enough pressure on him to make some choices, don't alleviate the pressure.

I hope this helps you.  If you go to my website at www.livingwellcc.com, go to the library and download the cycle of domestic violence.  You will see what I mean.  It happens so much there is a written formula for what happens...please don't be another statistic.

Blessings,  Kriss

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank you Kriss. I am doubting everything. Did he abuse me? Was he that bad? I can honestly say i have never experienced anything like this and i hope i never do again. I am so confused. He is being so supportive, encouraging me to take me time and saying we will go slow. I am moving back into my house at the end of the month (we were living together) and he has said its all fine. Before he would have tried to control that change.

He has never hit me but has come into my face when shouting at me. Do these acts usually turn into physical violence? I am planning on seeing a counselor myself in the hope this will help. Frustrated is not the word. I know what he is doing but i loved him. I was the first girl he had lived with (he is 31) and that always meant i was special to me. I cant believe i am in this situation.

Thanks for your understanding and help, your response is a life saver.
Karen

Answer
Dear Karen,
Here is the definition of abuse:

World English Dictionary
abuse

— vb
1.   to use incorrectly or improperly; misuse
2.   to maltreat, esp physically or sexually
3.   to speak insultingly or cruelly to; revile
4.   ( reflexive ) to masturbate

— n
5.   improper, incorrect, or excessive use; misuse
6.   maltreatment of a person; injury
7.   insulting, contemptuous, or coarse speech
8.   an evil, unjust, or corrupt practice
9.   See child abuse
10.   archaic  a deception

What he has done constitutes abuse - statistically, abuse escalates over time so although there is no guarantee of physical violence, it is possible.  However, even if it doesn't, why would you want to go back into a situation without honor or respect.  You say that you love him, but this isn't about love.  Love doesn't hurt, love doesn't intimidate, love is patient and kind, it is not self seeking or abusive...is that what you are getting from him?

He is a smart guy, he knows that if he tried to control you now that it would be all over.  Abusers in this stage of the game manipulate.  One thing I can guarantee you is that once you leave, get the healing you need from this situation..in a year you will look back and wonder why you put up with it for so long.  This is why you need to listen to your support network.  People outside the situation can see what is happening.  Listen to your family.  Your ability to determine what is best for you at this point has been compromised.  It is part of the abuse process...you don't trust yourself and you have been conditioned not to listen to yourself but to listen to him.  That is all that is going on.  If you can't believe you are in this situation, you are right to get out.

Blessings,  Kriss