Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 1/8/2011

Question
My husaband. And my daughter don't get along at all (he is a step father to her) she is a tyhpical smart mouth 13 year old.  This has been going on for about 3 years it seems to get worse.  He has screamed at her, called her a fucking brat, has told her to stop acting like a bitch tells hher she is a horrible person and always tells her this is his house.  When he goes into these rages he litterly spits when he flips out .  He has done these things in front of her friends and totally humiliates her.  I have requested that we go to family counceling he has refused he agreed once but never went.  I have tried to make this work and expressed to him that the way he treats her is wrong but he just doen't get it.  I think it is time for us to seperate and eventually divorce.  He has treated me in the same manner many times but I am an adult she is a child.  He has made me hate him.  Example for why he has blown up at her is she was arguing with me because I wasn't curling her hair right and she said I sucked at doing hair and was being very whiney so what I was doing for her behavior is I said well than you will have to do it yourself and I walked out of the room and of course she was acting as any teen would she was crying and trying to demand I do her hair and I told her that if she was going to talk to me that way that I refused to do it.  He was in the basement and ran up the stairs and totally blew up.  Which I then defended her because of his irratic behavior it was unnecessary for him to call her a fucking brat and to tell her to shut the fuck up.  Fed up.  Am I right in leaving or should I try to make this work.

Answer
Hi Lori,
There is really no reason for your husband to treat your or your daughter with such disrespect.  In the hair scenario that you described, you set appropriate limits and there were consequences for crossing those boundaries that were appropriate as well.  Your husband is correct that your daughter should not be speaking to you or treating you in the manner she is, but he is not setting an appropriate example to show her how to treat you.

If he is unwilling to modify his behavior or seek out help with ways to help him do that, you have very few choices.  You either stay and deal with the situation as it is or you leave.  The things that moderate these types of problems would be reflected in the willingness of the three parties to work together to create a peaceful atmosphere.  You have a three legged stool...if one of the legs is non-supportive, the stool falls over.

Your husband may feel powerless in the situation and if so, is not dealing with that feeling very well.  It is difficult to be a step parent because you have little to no control over the children.  Any parenting that happens needs to happen from a united front from both parents.  If one parent is unable to be in agreement with the other parent, that is a difficult place to maintain and as such, the children soon pick up on the dividedness and take full advantage of it.  As the biological mother, it would be your responsibility to model honor and agreement with your husband so this doesn't happen, but when your husband is behaving in ways that absolutely cannot be defended, you have little choice and the family unit suffers respectively.  

At this point, leaving may be the option that is most open and effective for you.  However, if you choose to go that route, you need to make more of a decision than just to leave.  You will need to decide under what conditions you would consider reconciliation, if you would consider reconciliation and what evidence you would need to see in order to make decisions about re-entering the relationship.  What will happen when you leave is that your husband will most likely do a complete 180, apologize, tell you he will change and expect you to come back based on his word.  That would be a mistake.  You may not want to consider reconciling, which is fine...I'm not telling you that you have to.  In the event that you would look at that option, you need evidence from a third party such as a counselor, who can tell you that your husband has completed a treatment program for his anger and what the outcome is.  You will need to see how he functions with other people, at his work, perhaps even talk with his boss.  You will also need counseling to help you regain the things that you have lost and the wounding you have suffered by being verbally abused to this extent.  It would only be after these things are accomplished that decisions could most effectively be made.  Also, your daughter would need a voice in this as well and she will need some help overcoming what has happened to her.  

As an outsider in this situation, it seems that leaving is a reasonable thing to do.  You can't make the situation work without his cooperation, so if you don't have it, making it work doesn't seem like a reasonable option.  Your husband has an anger problem that needs to be addressed and anger usually comes from hurt and wounding in the person's past.  Those wounds need to be healed.  It can also come from not knowing what to do when you've reached the end of what you know to do.  He may have significant control issues.  Any one of those will take a significant amount of time to address.  He will not be able to just say, "I'll never do it again," and make it happen, no matter how much he believes he can.

I hope that this information has answered your question.  Please feel free to contact me again if you need further assistance.  I would refer you to my blog  (www.livingwellcc.blogspot.com) where you can read further information about abuse, its cause, effect and why it is such a complex issue to address.

Many blessings,  Kriss Mitchell
www.livingwellcc.com
www.livingwellcc.blogspot.com