Expert: Eugenia Springer, Ph.D. - 10/22/2011

Question
My ex and I have been off and on for years... I never knew what she see's in me, because I've lived with my parents for a long time and haven't been able to keep a steady job.

Anyway, she and I have been having a bunch of problems... she's always had a wild side about her, and I worry about her... she started doing these webcam shows for money... I agreed to it, but I felt like I was being put under pressure, because she wanted me to decide right then... and I felt like she wouldn't take no for an answer. Later, whenever I'd try to talk about it, she'd ignore me or try to change the subject, like she does with most things that make her uncomfortable...

Like I said, it's been years since we first met, and we've said goodbye and that we don't love each other anymore many times, only to be brought back by our feelings... see, everything in my life that I see, or do reminds me of nobody but her, and she says she feels the same.

Well, about a week ago, while I was drinking and under a whole lot of stress.... we got in to it and I attacked her... and I left a bruise on her forehead. The resulting situation has caused her to have to reveal everything about us and even our sex life to her parents... who didn't even know we were seeing each other (we agreed we'd wait until I had a job and everything was on steady footing)... but now they know what happened too.

Like I said, we've said goodbye tons of times..... I just don't want this to be the last one. I don't ever want to hurt her again, and I'm waiting for a call back from a psychologist and substance abuse counselor that I'm supposed to hear from... but I just want her to forgive me... I know that things can probably never go back to the way they were... and I'm willing to accept that things will be different and may take a long time... but what should I do to help her forgive me? She's asked me to leave her alone... but she didn't completely block me from her facebook account... she knew that it was something that I was particularly afraid of, since I told her I'd had nightmares about it recently, so I really think she still loves me.

What can I do? What should I do?

Answer
Matt,

Your feelings are understandable.  You feel guilty, and badly about yourself.  And through all this you have been wondering what she sees in you because evidently, you don't see yourself as worthy even of her attention.

What should you do to get her to forgive you?  Nothing.  Yes, you read me correctly.  You need do nothing to get her to forgive you.  What can you do? Beg?  No.  Your problem is not about getting another to forgive you.  Your challenge is to realize that you are somebody.  Just as the young woman is somebody, so you are somebody.  And you are important.  Regardless of what you do or do not do; regardless of what you have done, you are intrinsically important.  Human beings are all important.

You have passed through some experiences that left you questioning your personal worth; and you have been saying some words to yourself that have been leaving you feeling discouraged, not good enough.

As you are discovering, drugging yourself is not the answer.  Drugging your tissues may dull your consciousness but that is hiding from the problem.  When the effects of the drugs wear off you still have to work on affirming your worth, and talking words of self-empowerment.

Be happy for the young lady that she is keeping herself safe.  Until you can accept your worth, and honor, respect, and demonstrate reverence for yourself, until then, you won't be able to respect and honor the young woman in a relationship.

But you do need to forgive someone -- yourself.  Forgive yourself for disappointing yourself, and then pull yourself up and go out there and do what would make you feel good about yourself.  And forgive your parents for whatever you blame them for.  Write down the list of persons you need to forgive, and make sure to include your name there, and forgive them and release them from whatever you have been blaming them for.

You don't know how to forgive them?  That's okay.  Just call their name and say, "I release you from blame.  I forgive you.  I accept responsibility for my response to every situation.  Thank you for the lesson you came across my path to teach."

Matt, as you release others from blame, you start feeling better about yourself; you let go resentment; you release the grudge, and you allow others to be who they are;  you don't beg them to be who you want them to be.  You allow the young lady to do with her life what she chooses to do, even as you continue the work of accepting, appreciating and loving Matt.

Your substance abuse counselor can help you with this process.

Blessings.
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