Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 10/11/2011

Question
QUESTION: Hi i was wondering if you could help me please. My ex was abusive to me and we split up last year. He would yell in my face, kick door and headbutt walls when he was mad. We also had an issue with him constantly flirting online. It really upset me and he also joined a dating website with a "secret email" address. When i discovered this, i left him. It all go too much.

He spent months trying to win me back and i beleived his promises. He promised to never hurt me again of flirt online as he knew i hated it. We got back together and for a few months it was beautiful, i loved every minute of it.

I  now discover that he is once again flirting online. Calling a girl at 3.00am and denying he has a girlfriend to her. There are about 4 girls that he has been flirting with, one is 12 years younger than him. I left him...again. One of the girls even called me to apologise and she said she knew nothing of me. We were together for nearly 3 years.

I am angry with myself for letting him fool me again and he has turned this around of me. He said i am emotiomally cold and i am manipulative with a love of drama and this is why i cause this. I did check his emails but this was because he wanted me to move in and i wanted to check he wasnt up to no good.

I dont know which way to turn..i hate him. He has left me alone for 3 weeks but i know he will come back for me. He has hidden my belongings that were at his home, another spiteful controlling tactic.

I have no where to turn...

ANSWER: Hi Kirsty,
I am so sorry to hear this, but you have made the right decision.  Men who make promises like this yet do nothing concrete to make the changes that need to be made will not change.  I am not sure what your question is, so if you could get back to me with a specific question, I am happy to answer it.  I would like to send you to my blog at www.livingwellcc.blogspot.com and check out the information there.  You will find some good info as to why this happened, why it didn't work etc.  

Please do get back to me as I would like to help you.  

Blessings, Kriss Mitchell

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Hi Kriss
I don't know if I over reacted. One of the women called me on Friday to apologise, she said she didn't know I existed and would not have messaged him if she knew. Now another one has turned up at my house telling me she felt terrible and I had got it wrong, they are friends and nothing else. But she asked if he had a girlfriend and he didn't even acknowledge me. I'm so confused, why is he sending them to my house? I don't know what to do, she wAs asking if I would go back to him.

I don't know how to deal with him or this situation. Even if I have got it wrong this time, he joined dating websites etc when we were together so is it any wonder I'm messed up!
Thanks

Answer
Dear Kirsty,
It doesn't sound like an over reaction to me.  The very idea that women are showing up on your doorstep to apologize to you about what this man is doing sends whistles and bells off in my mind and probably anyone else's as well.  At the very least, he is not behaving in a way that shows commitment to your relationship and at the most he is lying and trying to cover up.  Committed men do not solicit other women...why was he messaging someone who would respond to him in a way that she should call and apologize?  

Honestly, the question to ask is if you really want to be in a position for the rest of your life where you are questioning this guy's behavior.  He's got a problem, he hasn't sought help for it and there are women who are now calling you to defend his behavior.  If he wasn't doing something wrong why would ANYONE be calling you AT ALL?  

Just move on and find someone who appreciates you for who you are.  This man sounds like someone who uses women to make himself feel better and that isn't what a wife is for.  He's all about the chase and not about the commitment.  That is why when you walk away from him he comes after you.  There are some guys who just want to chase women and once they get them, the thrill is gone and they get bored.  I'm not saying that is right, it just sounds like what is going on.  He isn't good husband/partner material and you are better off with someone who is more mature and has more self esteem.  The other clue is that he is blaming this all on you.  It is his behavior that is the catalyst here, not yours.  Abusers blame everyone else and seldom take responsibility for their actions.  No, this is not a good thing and you need to just move on.

I wish you all the best.  Let your no be no and move on with your life.

Blessings, Kriss Mitchell