Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 10/18/2011

Question
QUESTION: Hello :)

  My gf of three months and I have hit a wall (in my opinion) and I'm not sure where to go from here. Everything has been great with this relationship. We have had ONE small disagreement, but we got over that night. Unfortunately this one may take longer than a night to take care of. She has had a bad past experience with her father (who she doesn't seem to keep in touch with) and alcohol. She's 18, by the way and I'm 27. So I can legally drink but I only do so on occasion and rarely without moderation. I have NEVER been drunk around her, nor have I consumed alcohol around her. So she told me that she doesn't want me to drink around her, PERIOD. I tried a compromise but she wouldn't budge. I even suggested keeping alcohol in the house if we happened to live together. Nothing. So should I drop my alcohol habit over a girl? I love her with all of my heart, but it isn't the alcohol, it seems like this is one way of getting her way, and controlling me. I'm at a standstill and don't know what to do. Any thoughts? Thanks much!



Frank

ANSWER: Hi Frank,
Thank you for writing and for asking such a thoughtful question.  I don't see this as a way to control you.  Anyone who has a problem with alcohol would more than likely ask the same thing.  She's asking for your help and if you love her, this is one way that you can support her in her quest for sobriety.  She is 18.  She isn't finished growing yet, she doesn't have the developmental abilities that adults over 25 do.  If you choose to have a relationship with an adolescent, you will need to make some concessions in order to be successful with it.  

The other thing to consider is, if you want to have a relationship with someone who has an alcohol problem you are more than likely going to have to give up alcohol yourself.  That would be the right thing to do.  If she means that much to you, you might even consider going to AA meetings with her as a means to support her in what she is trying to accomplish.  These are the things that go along with relationships of this kind.  

If I can be of any further assistance, please feel free to contact me again.  I wish you all the best.



---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: I'm sorry if I have conveyed differently, but neither of us have the drinking problem. It's her FATHER who did, and I think she doesn't want me to be like him, which I can understand. But to have NO alcohol around her completely? If she were an alcoholic and asking me to quit to help her out, I wouldn't mind. Hope this clarifies. :)

Answer
Hi Frank,
Sorry about the confusion.  Unfortunately these are the kinds of situations that you find when someone has been traumatized.  Sounds like she has some intense fears around this issue which are probably legitimate.  Again, I would encourage you to help her in any way that you can and if that means limiting the exposure to alcohol, that would be the loving thing to do.  On the other hand, she probably needs some counseling from a good abuse counselor and one who understands trauma such as an EMDR therapist.  Depending on her level of traumatization, not being understanding of her situation could have the effect of re-traumatizing her. She will need more understanding and patience until she gets the assistance she needs to move past the situation with her father.  Individuals who have had an alcoholic and/or abusive parent often have a level of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and that can be very difficult for them to deal with, without outside help.  As an option, it might be beneficial for you to suggest that you both see a counselor together in order to help you with this issue and from there whatever work needs to be done can be assessed at that time.  

Thank you for getting back to me with clarification and I hope this answers your question.