Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 10/6/2011

Question
QUESTION: I don't think my girlfriend of 10+ months respects me anymore. We have always got along great with little or no problems until lately. I feel like she doesn't respect me much anymore and that I'm losing some control over the relationship. She is a real friendly girl and at the first chance will make friends with just about any stranger. I have always known this about her but it has never been a problem until lately. She recently threw herself on one of my best friends(this friend is a guy# that she had just recently met. Completely ignoring mine and his request to quit she threw herself on him saying she was just trying to cheer him#eventhough he was already fine). I could tell she was doing it for her own enjoyment. Later when I brought it up to her that I wasn't comfortable with her being all over my friends not to mention it makes me look bad, she quickly apologized and did the whole " I love you can we forget about it" thing. I talked with my friend later telling him it was stupid for her act like that and he told me I needed to control her a little more. She is kind of a control freak sometimes and when I tried to tell her to stop she tells me that she isn't my dog(whatever that means). She has met many of my friends and has always got along with them great, but recently she is taking it a little to far and I feel that some of the guys get too comfortable with her sometimes. She flirts with some of them and plays along with their little games and it really gets under my skin. My close buddies know that that just how she is and they don't flirt with her at all out of respect for me. On the other hand though some of the guys I hangout with I'm not very close too so they take advantage of this sometimes and even hit on her a bit. I even brought it up to her the other night questioning her actions and she told me she knew some of them take it to far and that when she quits. This calmed me down for a little while but when I began to think about it later it really angers me. I feel that I deserve her full attention when were together and she shouldn't be flirting with other guys. What can I do to get her to quit flirting and respect me more?

ANSWER: Hi Michael,
I'm so sorry to hear that you are dealing with this kind of situation.  In answer to your question, it depends on what kind of a relationship you have with this girl.  What you are describing is a lack of boundaries on her part, however it is important for both of you to be on the same page with regard to where you are in the relationship.  It sounds like you want to be exclusive to each other, but she may not have that same understanding about the relationship.  In some ways, relationships are a lot about timing...are you both in a place in your life where you want the same things?

If she does not want to be mutually exclusive in the relationship, this would be a tell tale sign that the relationship is not a good fit for you.  If she does want to be exclusive yet continues to act in this manner, then she has some character issues and boundary issues to work through.  There is nothing wrong with wanting the person you are with to pay attention to you and to prefer you above other people, however you cannot make them do that.  Committment to a relationship is a decision and an act of the will.  It sounds as though she may have some personal insecurities about herself and she gets her value and self esteem through connection with men.  If that is the case, you will always have this struggle with her until she gets that part of her life healed.

All you can do is make a decision about what you want from a relationship at this point in your life and discuss that with her.  If you and she are unable to reach a workable agreement with regard to how you will treat each other and respect each other within the boundaries of the relationship, then perhaps some decisions need to be made about whether this relationship will work for the two of you.  You are in different places here and that is one reason relationships don't always work out...people want different things from them.

You can't control her, you can't really get her to do anything she doesn't want to do.  The only thing you can do is decide what you will and will not put up with and then make decisions about what you are going to do if those boundaries are crossed.  Crossing boundaries doesn't make her a bad person, it simply means that you are not compatible in certain areas.  If there are too many of those areas, that means the relationship is not healthy and you are probably with the wrong person.  It is at those points of decision that we must let go and move on.  It isn't about being angry or hurtful or controlling or anything like that.  It is about deciding whether the relationship works for you or not and if it doesn't, then you let it go.  Not every relationship is meant to be "the one".  If they don't work, they don't work...its as simple as that.

It sounds like the two of you have very different personalities.  In any relationship that aspect needs to be addressed.  Agreements need to be made that bring comfort to both parties in the relationship and establish trust between them.  However, it also sounds as though you both are in different places regarding your expectations of a relationship..you are ready to be settled and she is not.  That can be a problem and like I said, the timing in the relationship is off.  You may want to talk with her about what you expect and ask her if she is in the same place.  If not, then you both have some decisions to make about how you want to proceed.

I hope this has helped you and I wish you all the best as you move forward.  If I can be of any further assistance, please feel free to contact me again.

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank you for your help. Your answer has sparked a few more questions thou. What you said about her having personal insecurities is very possible but I've never really asked her about it. she was adopted at birth and doesn't know her parents and has also been in a couple relationships where she was continually cheated on. Is this something I should ask her about? If that the reason she is always so friendly/semi flirty with my buddies I feel like I should ask her. Is this also something I could help her get through without actually bringing up the discussion if she does or doesn't have insecurities? Take into consideration that we love each other and we have even talked about getting married before. I'm willing to do whatever to help her out. Thanks for the advice its much appreciated.

Answer
Dear Michael,
I appreciate your questions and the reflection on our previous communication.  Although I understand that you care for her, you don't have the skill set to be her counselor and you don't want to put yourself in that position anyway.  Partners make lousy counselors and accountability partners because it turns the relationship that you have with the person into something else.  It's like being a caregiver to your wife/husband...the longer you do it, the more you become the caregiver and less the wife/husband.  

In situations like this, what can be happening is the woman has a marked lack of identity and her identity is in her looks.  Being able to gain attention from the opposite sex validates her as a woman and gives her value and worth.  Yes, you can provide that as well, but it is usually not enough.  You can ask her about what propels the behavior but I would be willing to say that she doesn't know.  That is what a counselor is for...they can connect the dots in ways that the client doesn't have a lot of insight about.  

What you can talk with her about is how you feel when she demonstrates this behavior and see if it provokes a discussion with regard to how the two of you or specifically she would like to handle the issue.  It does need to stop if you are that serious about the relationship, but in your best interest, you probably should not go further in the relationship until this situation is address and resolved.  This will become a problem in the relationship unless you just turn off your feelings and look the other way.  

The less direct route might be to suggest that this is a problem in the relationship and that you both might seek couples counseling in order to resolve the issue before it turns into something that is more divisive than it already is.  You need someone in your life who respects and honors you as well as a person who has appropriate boundaries with your friends or pretty soon you won't have friends who want to spend time with the two of you.  

I hope this helps you with some ways to approach and resolve the issue.  My best wishes for a good result within your relationship.  Again, if you have any further questions, please feel free to contact me.