Expert: Eugenia Springer, Ph.D. - 10/19/2011

Question
Ten months ago, someone came into my life. He appeared a few times, before I even noticed him. I contacted him. We started to have casual contact. But my feelings for him were getting stronger and stronger. I told him. He said that he also had feelings and I was important to him, and he liked me very much. He wanted us to form a " strong friendship ". And so, I would contact him. And he would ignore it. Sometimes, six or more times of me contacting him, before he even replied. I would ask him why he ignored me. He would say " I do not ignore you ". Often, I thought that it was just all a game, to him, and so I removed him from my life. For months, the same " cycle " continued. Until the last time. Three and a half months ago. I removed him from my life. But of course I was annoyed with him, for again, ignoring me. I have contacted him several times, since. But no reply from him. Sometimes I would get so annoyed I would accuse him of being dishonest and that I thought that he was despicable for playing these kind of " mind games ". Because he seemed to have time for everyone, but me. The one who was supposedly, " important ", to him. Often he would say, " remove me from your life or do what you have to do, but I beg you to stop talking like this ".The only valid reason that I could see, from him saying such things, is that he did have the same feelings for me, but he did not want to hurt me, for whatever his reason,..and so, he kept his distance. And tried to destroy my feelings for him, by ignoring me. I only know, that that man is the love of my life. I cannot sleep or eat properly, I cannot concentrate. I have tried everything that I can think of. Even a support group for emotional abuse. Is he a narcissist or other personality disorder. ? Why does he blame only me? Did he think that he was " doing the right thing, " by me? as he often said that he would " never hurt " me.Why is he placing all the blame on me? I tried to get close to him. I only expected that his actions, match his words. But they didn't. They were the opposite. It was very hurtful and humiliating to see him laugh and joke and spend time with others, and yet ignore me. And then tell me that he was " busy ". I am very lost very hurt and very confused. And I have lost hope and my dream. He was my dream.. And my hope. Now my life has become a dark empty hole. And there is no way out. I am destined to be alone for the rest of my life, or have " meaningless relationships ", that I do not want. I need at least some kind of " closure ", that he will not give me, because he refuses to reply. Someone has been searching me on search engines and visiting my website, from the area in which he is from. I cannot imagine that anyone else would do that; so I am convinced that it is him. But,..why ? I really cannot continue like this.

Answer
Michelle,

Nothing in your letter suggests that this man ever went beyond verbal communication with you; never really behaved in any way to give you hope that he wanted a special relationship with you.  He might have expressed a desire for a relationship, verbally, but nothing beyond that.  In fact he ignored you.  Yet you have made thoughts of him, it seems, the center of your life; the love of your life.

The way you carry yourself can attract others; but what would make a person want to spend more time with you would be how they feel in your company;  how they feel about themselves when they are communicating with you.

When a person shows some interest in you, they usually do not expect to have you immediately make them the center of your life, not before you get to know each other, and can determine if you really want to have a close relationship.  People you meet have their own background story, just as you have yours.  It is against this background experience that they determine whether spending time with you is good for them or is inadvisable.

Evidently this man has determined that from what he has discovered about your way of communicating, a friendship with someone who communicates as you do, might not be what he needs right now.  He laughs and talks with people with whom he enjoys communicating.  This is not a condemnation of you, but an avoidance of a quality of communication that does not leave him feeling good about himself.

Your style of communication you can improve as you work on self acceptance.

The gentleman is not your problem.  Your problem is your feeling of neediness.  Your childhood experience has not left you feeling self-confident, valuable, important, and good enough.  These are self esteem issues.  If someone does not return your expressions of interest, it is healthy for you to leave that person alone.   

If you have not yet been in psychotherapy, I recommend that you find a good psychotherapist, and talk about your issues with the aim of learning to so love and appreciate yourself that you could allow a person to pass through your life with no desire to hold on and demand that they be there for you; that you so love and respect yourself, that at the slightest hint that your feelings are not reciprocated, you would graciously allow the person to move on with no harassment from you.  When you are well balanced emotionally, you love and respect yourself too much to keep reaching after someone who ignores you.

Practice saying several times throughout the day and night, "I love me; I am important; I am adequate; I am strong; I am lovable; I am good enough"

Repeat these affirmations, even as you pray, "God, guide me; praise and thanks."  Word is power.  Self-talk controls our behavior.

Use your words in support of yourself.

Blessings.
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