Expert: Dr.Sunu Sundar - 10/19/2011

Question
Ten months ago, someone came into my life. He appeared a few times, before I even noticed him. I contacted him. We started to have casual contact. But my feelings for him were getting stronger and stronger. I told him. He said that he also had feelings and I was important to him, and he liked me very much. He wanted us to form a " strong friendship ". And so, I would contact him. And he would ignore it. Sometimes, six or more times of me contacting him, before he even replied. I would ask him why he ignored me. He would say " I do not ignore you ". Often, I thought that it was just all a game, to him, and so I removed him from my life. For months, the same " cycle " continued. Until the last time. Three and a half months ago. I removed him from my life. But of course I was annoyed with him, for again, ignoring me. I have contacted him several times, since. But no reply from him. Sometimes I would get so annoyed I would accuse him of being dishonest and that I thought that he was despicable for playing these kind of " mind games ". Because he seemed to have time for everyone, but me. The one who was supposedly, " important ", to him. Often he would say, " remove me from your life or do what you have to do, but I beg you to stop talking like this ".The only valid reason that I could see, from him saying such things, is that he did have the same feelings for me, but he did not want to hurt me, for whatever his reason,..and so, he kept his distance. And tried to destroy my feelings for him, by ignoring me. I only know, that that man is the love of my life. I cannot sleep or eat properly, I cannot concentrate. I have tried everything that I can think of. Even a support group for emotional abuse. Is he a narcissist or other personality disorder. ? Why does he blame only me? Did he think that he was " doing the right thing, " by me? as he often said that he would " never hurt " me.Why is he placing all the blame on me? I tried to get close to him. I only expected that his actions, match his words. But they didn't. They were the opposite. It was very hurtful and humiliating to see him laugh and joke and spend time with others, and yet ignore me. And then tell me that he was " busy ". I am very lost very hurt and very confused. And I have lost hope and my dream. He was my dream.. And my hope. Now my life has become a dark empty hole. And there is no way out. I am destined to be alone for the rest of my life, or have " meaningless relationships ", that I do not want. I need at least some kind of " closure ", that he will not give me, because he refuses to reply. Someone has been searching me on search engines and visiting my website, from the area in which he is from. I cannot imagine that anyone else would do that; so I am convinced that it is him. But,..why ? I really cannot continue like this.

Answer
Michelle,


I am happy to guide you  towards truth and reality  of human mind and relationship. I do not have   much  to say on this because this is not a new thing to me in  my  profession as  a psychologist!

"I only expected that his actions, match his words"
The  words in quote(typed by you) is the concrete sign that  in this relationship genuine  love is  missing and absent from  his side. Any relationship without love  may endure for some time. But  you are not in  a relationship just to endure the relationship and  make  adjustments that  keeps on hurting you.

What is  indispensable in a relationship is   a genuine, concrete true love. If this is  lacking  then  I can  guarantee that this relationship if continues will drain your peace of mind and make  you sick physically and mentally as time goes on. A PERSON WHO IS DOES NOT   HAVE ACTIVE RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD CAN NEVER EVER SHARE GENUINE LOVE WITH OTHERS.But  such person can pretend  and act as if he  is  a genuine lover for  some time.

I can  understand the below  feelings expressed...but...

"He was my dream.. And my hope. Now my life has become a dark empty hole. And there is no way out. I am destined to be alone for the rest of my life, or have " meaningless relationships ", that I do not want. I need at least some kind of " closure ", that he will not give me, because he refuses to reply."

I suggest  to fix your dream and hope in God. Human beings  fail you if you fix your life and dream  in them.

"I only know, that that man is the love of my life. I cannot sleep or eat properly, I cannot concentrate. I have tried everything that I can think of. Even a support group for emotional abuse"

What you are  going through is  normal for any human in the phase of emerging broken relationship.Do not be surprise that  you are unable to sleep and eat.This is very normal and can be wiped away from you through  further  counselling.

I  will be able to help you to start afresh if you  are unable to find a local psychologist  at your convenience in Australia.

Relax! Know that the problem is not  big enough to find  a solution.You may contact me again at outreach.matters@gmail.com

Have  a nice day

Dr.Sunu
www.mindpanchakarma.org