Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 10/9/2011

Question
Hi, I don't really know where to start, I've only told my story a handful of times. I got into this relationship really quickly, it was my first serious one so i didn't recognize any of the "red flags" he was giving. In the beginning he would constantly make comments about how my hair wasn't straight enough, my boobs weren't big enough, i was too skinny or gaining weight, and many more like that. He would come to my apartment and stay for days on end and try to turn me against my friends, which sadly to say actually worked.  It was three months into the relationship that he became violent sexually with me. He demanded that we were sexual at least twice a day and each day after that he would want more. I would bleed, cry, and scream at him but he would continue claiming i was being "really annoying and distracting."  On the days that i was successful in pushing him away he would make the most nasty allegations; calling me horrible names and putting down my character. At that point i found that it would be better for me to just let him get it over with without fighting it. I look back on it now and just resent myself. A couple months later i decided i couldnt take anymore of him so i broke up with him. He told me i needed to go to therapy because there must be something physically wrong with me for ending the relationship. He moved out of the state and i havent spoken to him since. It has now been a year and for some reason all these memories are flooding back now. I lay awake all night with flashbacks that put me into a cold sweat, crying.  Some nights I'm good and don't think about him, but other nights I feel this way and don't want to get out of my bed.  I know my friends don't understand, they think i should start dating again but i just cant even picture that. Why is this all happening now? What can i do to move on and not let him control my life still, even when i dont see him or talk to him? Please help me.

Answer
Hi Megan,
You absolutely did the right thing to get away from this person and you are very lucky that he just went away and did not continue to harass you.  With regard to your question of why it is happening, you were aggressively traumatized and when human beings are in trauma, there can be flash backs, emotional flooding and other physical situations that happen as a result of the trauma.  Why it happened so long after he left, it is hard to say.  The reality is that now these things are starting to come back into your conscious memory and you are being retraumatized.

The best thing for you to do is to seek out an abuse counselor or a trauma counselor and begin therapy.  The trauma has gotten stuck and you will need some specialized help in order to work through and process the events.  What you are experiencing is both emotional and physical, as well as being very common to persons who have gone through what you have gone through.  If finances are an issue, you may want to contact your local women's center or domestic violence center as they usually provide counseling for this type of issue at little to no cost.  I would seriously consider a counselor who knows a therapy called EMDR.  EMDR is a very successful trauma therapy and you may find it helpful in your situation.  You can find information about it at www.emdria.org

I am so sorry to hear what you went through, but I am very glad that it is over and you are now able to begin to move forward processing through it.  This is not something you want to handle alone.  Having a trained professional on your side will help to make sure that you come through this well.

My best to you and if I can be of any further assistance, please feel free to contact me again.