Expert: Eugenia Springer, Ph.D. - 11/6/2011

Question
Hi, I have been married for 2 years and I am extremely unhappy in my marriage. I am thinking about leaving my husband because of a few reasons. A couple of weeks ago, my husband forgot to log off of his Facebook account and when I turned on the computer screen, I saw his message board with a very pretty 21 year old blond woman and my husband had had a brief conversation with each other. This is the exact conversation word for word.
h: husband w: woman
h: Hi, who are you?
w: Hi! Lol I just added you through the
people you may know thing cuz I
we might have had a class together?
h: Lol, maybe, how are you?
w Good! How are you?
h: Good! So I read that you work at the __ restaurant here in __?
w: I used to! Now I live in _____.
w: Aw thanks, i died it, it used to be brown.
h: I love it. When ya coming back to ____?
w: I don't know if I'll ever move back but I
will definitely be back to visit sometime.
h: So what are you into?
w: Well I actually have to go!But I'll talk to
you later Scott!
Tell me any wife that would love to read something like this.He lied about who she was and then told me the "truth" but I am tired of the lies.
I also found out about 3 months ago that my husband has been looking at online pornography for the whole two years of our marriage and has been lying to me about it the entire time. I found the strength and am still working on it to forgive my husband because isn't that what I am supposed to do? I should mention that I am currently trying my hardest to recover from a prescription pill addiction to ADHD medication that I have had legally prescribed to me for 7 years. I spent the rest of my savings that I had left on a 3 month outpatient rehab program but then I relapsed a week before I was supposed to graduate. I am someone who continues to relapse over and over again and I am clinging to this addiction because I am not strong enough consistently day after day to do this on my own and I have no funds whatsover to go to an inpatient facilty which at this point, is the only way I see myself getting better. Also, when my husband and I get into arguments, we both say hurtful things to each other but at least 10 times over the past 2 years, my husband has become physically aggressive towards me. He has grabbed my arms so tight that they had bruised, pick me up and thrown me down on the cement steps in the garage, spit on my face while having me pinned down on the floor, and grabbing my throat. I don't know what to do anymore. How can someone love someone who does this to them? Is this considered serious physical abuse and if it is, what would you advize me to do? We have tried 2 counselors and he has never proven to me that he can actually change his behavior for longer than a week.

Answer
Alison,

To answer your last question first, your husband's physical assault on you, yes, constitutes abuse.  And yes, it can be difficult for you to 'love' a spouse who  physically attacks you.

There is no valid excuse for physically attacking another.  Each of us is responsible for our behavior.  Even if your husband feels provoked by you he still should keep his hands to himself.

It is better to walk away than attack.

Good for you that you said you forgive.  Forgiveness helps you.  It prevents resentment from building up in you and destroying you. Whether or not you extending forgiveness would have any impact on your husband would depend on how he is thinking and feeling.

Now, let's look at your role in these interactions with your husband. What triggered off all that rage in your husband that he wanted you so much out of his way that he kicked you down some steps, spat on your face, choked you, grabbed you so tight that you bruised?  You said that you say hurtful things to him.  Take time to push aside the cobwebs of rage, and hurt, to look at your role in creating the situations that lead to abuse.

Abuse can be verbal, mental, and emotional.  Abuse means to hurt or injure by maltreatment.  Are you also guilty of abuse?

If your brain chemistry is out of balance, your behavior would be affected. and could cause problems in your relationship.

You need medical follow up work if your addiction is pushing you to be abusive and to invite abuse.  Get to a ADHD support group.  Your problem is not uncommon.  Find help in a support group.  Also, get in touch with Social Services in your area and ask for help to get over your addiction.

Your husband's indulgence in pornography is a problem only he can sort out.  In looking at pornographic sites he is not attacking you.  He is seeking to meet some need he has. In a mutually loving relationship a spouse could get the encouragement and fortitude to stay away from pornographic material.  But it must be something he wishes to do.  The communication between your husband and the young woman evidently distresses you.  Again, in a loving, committed, mutually respectful relationship, out of love for you as a wife, a husband might refrain from personal interaction with someone of the opposite sex, though the interaction might contain nothing harmful.

The challenge you seem to have, Alison, is giving your husband what you want from him--respect, and care for his feelings.  Respect means you would stop attacking him; stop accusing him; stop criticizing him.  Stop trying to make him feel he is no good.

Those behaviors do not encourage him to love you.  They enrage him, as you have seen.  Instead, look for what you like about your husband; for what he has done that you can say thanks for; what traits he has that you admire.  Accentuate the positive, minimize the negative.  

And know that even in marriage partners have their individuality, and have problems that are theirs and not theirs and their spouse.  Like liking porn.  This is not about you.  This is about your husband's preferences.  Trading insults is a problem for you and your husband.  This is something you can do something about; like deciding never again to take part in an exchange of insults.

I am sorry you are having such a rough time.  You need help.  Can you join an ADHD support group?  An online support group?  Additionally, if you can't locate any free clinic, get on to Social Services in your area and let them guide you to get the help you need.

Two visits to a therapist allows the therapist just enough time to hear what the problem is.  To receive help, you need to maintain the therapy. And Alison, you go to therapy to get help for yourself, not to observe the effect of therapy on your husband.  A person changes when they are convinced that life would be better for them if they change.  

Blessings.
Eugenia Springer