Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 11/4/2011

Question
Me and my boyfriend have been together for almost a year and a half. For months, things have been getting bad. If I ever make plans that don't involve him, he'll get depressed and make me feel the same way, and I end up cancelling whatever plans I had, no matter how important. He doesn't have many friends he hangs out with; he spends almost all of his time with me, morning, day and night. There are things that he does, but if I do the same thing, he gets upset, like if he plays video games, it's fine, but if I play, he says I don't want to spend time with him. He has a very short temper and gets easily upset at little things. His moods change very quickly and they can be pretty extreme; he chalks it up to being stressed. I suggested he sees a psychiatrist; I see one since I've been diagnosed with depression several months ago. He agreed, but whenever I ask if he's gone yet, he becomes angry, saying they won't accept him. There has even been a few times when he has hit me in the back of my head or choked me. I don't want to leave him because he's told me if we ever broke up, he would commit suicide. I'm afraid to make him angry or do something he doesn't like. I don't know what I should do. He's such a big part of my life now and I'm at a loss.

Answer
Hi Sybil,
Your boyfriend has significant manipulation issues and is controlling you with them.  Threats of suicide are often manipulation and the absolute best way to handle something like that is to call 911 when he threatens to do that.  This type of action will stop the manipulation and if he is serious it will make sure that he gets the help he needs in a stable environment.  It is a win/win all the way around and is something that you really need to do to deal with that type of manipulative control.  

He may be depressed, he may have other issues but it is important that he deal with them in order to have a successful relationship with you or anyone else.  At present, you are being thrown around behaviorally and emotionally by his whims and that is not something that you will be able to deal with successfully in the long run.  With regard to choking you, that is extremely dangerous.  It takes 11 lbs of pressure for 8 seconds around your neck to kill you - that does not present good odds in your favor when presented with this type of physical violence.

The thing that has to be done when you are faced with an individual like this who will not do what is necessary to help themselves, is that you have to make the decisions for yourself that will protect you.  In the case of physical violence, 911 should ALWAYS be called and consequences enforced.  You should leave the situation immediately.  If this person continues to be allowed to behave in these ways without any consequences there is not sufficient motivation for him to change.  

Living in a relationship where you cannot be yourself and constantly have to be changing your behavior to moderate someone else's emotional responses will bring on depression.  The question then becomes:  Why should you have to be on medication in order to be in a relationship?  That doesn't make sense.  He can be important to you, you can care about him, but you don't have to be in his life.  He isn't safe and until he takes concrete steps over a long period of time to change his mental state, behaviors and emotional responses to something healthier, he is not safe to be around.

If you are not seeing an abuse counselor, I would recommend seeing one in addition to being treated with medication.  Although you are trying to make this relationship successful, you are also enabling his bad behavior to some extent and endangering your well being.  That isn't OK for either one of you.  If he were to harm or kill you, he would pay with his freedom in doing that.  If you care about him, you will take the steps that need to be taken to protect both of you.

I wish you all the best with this situation as I know it is difficult.  Please feel free to contact me again if I can be of any further assistance.