Expert: Cathy Backlund, Life Coach in Abuse & Domestic Violence - 11/25/2011

Question
I am very unhappy, confused, feel unloved, alone,disillusioned, lost, in despair, etc.

I am not sure what to ask you. I have been seeing a Christian counselor for about 1 year and others since 2007.

Shortly after we were married, I stumbled on to his computer where I saw pornography and questioned him. Since that time, it has happened repeatedly. I have stopped trying to keep it from him.

I sought counseling since that 1st encounter because felt betrayed, devastated, cheated on, as if he committed adultery, and simply confused since. I have noticed he is distant, cold, and less intimate when he is engaging in pornography. I have not been able to stop him.

How do I know if I am in an abusive marriage? I feel beaten down
and worn out all the time. How do I know if his behavior is normal?

There are so many things that he does that make me feel disturbed. So many that I do not know what to ask you.

Answer
Hi Natalie,

Thank you for writing and asking these very good questions. I am very sorry that you are experiencing such events and sounds as if you need help to form a plan to make some change in your life. Feeling beat down, worn out, betrayed, unhappy, alone and devastated are signs that something needs to change in your life. Abuse can cause such feelings as well as observing such events that your husband is displaying such as looking at pornography.

One question that you may want to ask yourself is, “Do I want to live this way for the rest of my life?” If the answer is no, then seeking a counselor to help you develop a plan to create a happier life will start moving you in a healthier direction. Sounds as if the counselors you have seen are not a good match for you and your health and well-being.

Finding a counselor that will help you refocus on you and your needs will help you create a plan for happiness. Your husband has chosen his way of life with his need for pornography—he will not change unless he seeks help himself which sounds as if he has no interest in doing so. In many cases, people as such NEVER change anyway. So, that only leaves you with making a decision of what you need to live a happier and healthier life.

This is YOUR life and making your life work for you needs to be your goal. Understanding and believing that you husband will most likely never change will help you refocus your thoughts on you, your needs and where do you want to go from here.

Your husband has made his choice, now it is time to make yours. Write a list of things you want out of life and seek a counselor to help YOU develop a plan to make this happen. This is your life—it is time to live it with happiness.

Please keep writing and asking questions as you go along or if you need to talk about more issues. Writing in a journal is also a great way to sort out what you want in life and a good counselor will help you with this as well. Finding the right counselor that is going to focus on YOU and your needs is the key for your happiness.

Please write anytime.

Much peace to you,

Coach Cathy,

Cathy Backlund, Life Coach Specializing in Abusive Relationships and Domestic Violence Education