Expert: Cathy Backlund, Life Coach in Abuse & Domestic Violence - 11/6/2011

Question
Hi, I have been married for 2 years and I am extremely unhappy in my marriage. I am thinking about leaving my husband because of a few reasons. A couple of weeks ago, my  husband forgot to log off of his social media account and when I turned on the computer screen, I saw his message board with a very pretty 21 year old blond woman and my husband had had a brief conversation with each other. This is the exact conversation word for word.

h: husband   w: woman

h: Hi, who are you?

w: Hi! Lol I just added you through the      
   people you may know thing cuz I  
   we might have had a class together?

h: Lol, maybe, how are you?

w Good! How are you?

h: Good! So I read that you work at the _____  restaurant here in ___?

w:  I used to! Now I live in _____.

w: Aw thanks, i died it, it used to be brown.

h: I love it. When ya coming back to ____?

w: I don't know if I'll ever move back but I     
   will definitely be back to visit sometime.

h: So what are you into?

w: Well I actually have to go!But I'll talk to
    you later Scott!
Tell me any wife that would love to read something like this.He lied about who she was and then told me the "truth" but I am tired of the lies.

I also found out about 3 months ago that my husband has been looking at online pornography for the whole two years of our marriage and has been lying to me about it the entire time. I found the strength and am still working on it to forgive my husband because isn't that what I am supposed to do? I should mention that I am currently trying my hardest to recover from a prescription pill addiction to ADHD medication that I have had legally prescribed to me for 7 years. I spent the rest of my savings that I had left on a 3 month outpatient rehab program but then I relapsed a week before I was supposed to graduate. I am someone who continues to relapse over and over again and I am clinging to this addiction because I am not strong enough consistently day after day to do this on my own and I have no funds whatsover to go to an inpatient facilty which at this point, is the only way I see myself getting better. Also, when my husband and I get into arguments, we both say hurtful things to each other but at least 10 times over the past 2 years, my husband has become physically aggressive towards me. He has grabbed my arms so tight that they had bruised, pick me up and thrown me down on the cement steps in the garage, spit on my face while having me pinned down on the floor, and grabbing my throat. I don't know what to do anymore. How can someone love someone who does this to them? Is this considered serious physical abuse and if it is, what would you advize me to do? We have tried 2 counselors and he has never proven to me that he can actually change his behavior for longer than a week.

Answer
Hi Alison

Thank you for writing and asking if your marriage is abusive. Any intentional harm such as grabbing another by the arms and throwing them down, chocking them or using aggression to control their partner behavior and actions is considered abusive and violent behavior. People as such usually never change because they don’t want to change. They want to continue on with their life as they please and will use aggression to stop others if they get in the way.

No one deserves to live with this type of abuse and it will not get better and most likely will get worse in time. There is nothing you can do for this person and this is NOT your fault he behaves in this manner. For your safety, I would suggest that you contact a women’s center or domestic violence shelter to have them help you with your options. You can call the county court house for phone numbers. These centers can help you create a “safety plan” to keep yourself safe, provide resources and counseling usually at no charge. They also can help with restraining orders that are meant to help keep you safe.

Using aggression to harm and control another person is NOT love. This is a person who only wants what he wants without any regard to the physical and mental harm to your health and well-being. This type of person will not change as he has proved to you from not making permanent change after counseling visits. He will continue to blame you for HIS behavior and actions and will never take responsibility and most likely will continue to use aggression to harm you.

Please call your local shelters immediately or call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 to get some help and protect yourself. You deserve to live life free from abuse. Please keep writing to ask questions and to let me know how you are doing. Thank you for reaching out and asking these very good questions. This is your life to live and you have the power to live it in healthier ways.

Much peace to you,

Coach Cathy
Cathy Backlund, Life Coach Specializing in Abusive Relationships and Domestic Violence Education