Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 11/6/2011

Question
Hi, I have been married for 2 years and I am extremely unhappy in my marriage. I am thinking about leaving my husband because of a few reasons. A couple of weeks ago, my husband forgot to log off of his Facebook account and when I turned on the computer screen, I saw his message board with a very pretty 21 year old blond woman and my husband had had a brief conversation with each other. This is the exact conversation word for word.
h: husband w: woman
h: Hi, who are you?
w: Hi! Lol I just added you through the
people you may know thing cuz I
we might have had a class together?
h: Lol, maybe, how are you?
w Good! How are you?
h: Good! So I read that you work at the __ restaurant here in __?
w: I used to! Now I live in _____.
w: Aw thanks, i died it, it used to be brown.
h: I love it. When ya coming back to ____?
w: I don't know if I'll ever move back but I
will definitely be back to visit sometime.
h: So what are you into?
w: Well I actually have to go!But I'll talk to
you later Scott!
Tell me any wife that would love to read something like this.He lied about who she was and then told me the "truth" but I am tired of the lies.
I also found out about 3 months ago that my husband has been looking at online pornography for the whole two years of our marriage and has been lying to me about it the entire time. I found the strength and am still working on it to forgive my husband because isn't that what I am supposed to do? I should mention that I am currently trying my hardest to recover from a prescription pill addiction to ADHD medication that I have had legally prescribed to me for 7 years. I spent the rest of my savings that I had left on a 3 month outpatient rehab program but then I relapsed a week before I was supposed to graduate. I am someone who continues to relapse over and over again and I am clinging to this addiction because I am not strong enough consistently day after day to do this on my own and I have no funds whatsover to go to an inpatient facilty which at this point, is the only way I see myself getting better. Also, when my husband and I get into arguments, we both say hurtful things to each other but at least 10 times over the past 2 years, my husband has become physically aggressive towards me. He has grabbed my arms so tight that they had bruised, pick me up and thrown me down on the cement steps in the garage, spit on my face while having me pinned down on the floor, and grabbing my throat. I don't know what to do anymore. How can someone love someone who does this to them? Is this considered serious physical abuse and if it is, what would you advize me to do? We have tried 2 counselors and he has never proven to me that he can actually change his behavior for longer than a week.

Answer
Dear Alison,
Any physical abuse is serious and yes, this is physical abuse.  Think of it this way....if he did this to a stranger on the street, he would be arrested for assault and battery and spend time in jail.  Why is it different because he is married to you?  

These are serious issues - usually pornography, abuse and these kinds of boundaries being crossed with other women are RED FLAGS.  Your husband has a problem and if he won't take it seriously, if he won't do the work that is required to effect the change he needs, then there will be no change and you need to re-evaluate your part in the relationship. It doesn't matter what he says, it matters what he does and from what you have described, the fruit of his behavior is very harmful and dangerous.  Throwing you down on cement as well as choking can result in death or serious injury to you so I would encourage you to leave.  If he is going to change, he can do so, but you don't have to be there in order for him to do that.  Forgiving him is one thing and that is an important step to accomplish when hurt has been done to someone.  However, there is wisdom that comes into play as well.  Wisdom says we need to be safe, forgiveness says that they don't have to pay us back for what they've done.

Please go to my blog at www.livingwellcc.blogspot.com and look up the articles on "will he change" and there are others on abuse and personality that may give you more information.  However, for right now, you are in danger and you need to leave this situation as soon as you can.  If you need help, call your local women's shelter or domestic violence organization.  If he harms you again, call 911 and have him arrested.  This is nothing to play with.  

I wish you all the best as you continue to pursue your rehabilitation.  That is important as you take the steps you need to take in order to have a good life.