Expert: Cathy Backlund, Life Coach in Abuse & Domestic Violence - 12/29/2011

Question
QUESTION: I have a very manipulative, immature, highly sensitive and easily agitated brother in law of almost 20 years.  Whenever we have a family gathering which is usually once or twice a year we have to walk on egg shells to be careful not to offend, upset or say something that will send him in to a pouting fit.  Our family of 8 is very tight knit ( at least we used to be) big Irish family and he comes from the exact opposite.  Highly dysfunctional and messed up big time.  Therefore we all see the need to tread lightly around him and take the high road when he exhibits behavior that is appalling and or offensive. We have done our best to make him feel like part of the clan as with all other in laws that have married in to the family.  We have no issues with any of them, except him.  For years we have turned a blind eye to his comments and behavior. My tongue is almost split in 2 I have bitten it so much around him. A little history on past behavior; he has been put in jail overnight for road rage projected on to a police officer while parking at the airport.  As a passenger in the back seat of his Suv while driving alone with him and my sister in front years ago, he was so enraged about God's knows what, he started driving like a maniac and flipped a corner so fast I went flying across the seat and hit my head in to the opposite window.  I had a bump on my head for a week, but not quite a concussion. My sister once again defended and excused his behavior with the old line, he doesn't know any better. When I first got to know him I went to a movie with them both that he happened to LOVE big time, and when he asked me what I thought I said, sorry not my cup of tea, it was too violent for my liking.  Well, this sent him over the edge. He started screaming at me ( yes while driving, I was TERRIFIED) for not liking the movie.  A total jerk.  What I am most upset about is that my sister puts up with him. She is fearful of his outbursts of anger and does all she can to appease him and keep him from exploding. I could never live like that. She says she is happy, but I don't see that as love I see desperation and fear of being alone.  She defends him at every turn, says he doesn't know better and that his family is messed up and he is jealous of our close loving family and doesn't know how to handle our "closeness".  Well what she doesn't get is that he has now successfully alienated my sister and I ( we are the only 2 siblings that live in the same city) and now I never see her. Every time I call her to do something ( I have since stopped) she is always doing something with him. He is a huge control freak, and doesn't like to have her leave his side. Not even for a weekend. We used to have sister lunches every 2 months or so, but we haven't now for years. We see each other just on Christmas or special family gatherings or visits to my parents house across the state.  A few years ago I was fortunate enough to win 2 tickets to Ireland and I gave the second free ticket I won to my brother ( I am single) for his birthday. My sister decides she wants to go with us, which was fine we had a great time, but she had to do a number on her husband to get him to let her go on this trip. She even had to create a giant cut out cardboard replica of herself to keep him company. How messed up is that? Then when we got there he told her that he was watching the street cams in Dublin to make sure she wasn't out and about with those Irish men.  Whatever!! Half joking but not really. No we don't suspect physical abuse, at least not evident to us. My sister is very strong but is terrified of being alone or single. This I know.
So this Christmas I got in to it with him and it turned in to a yelling match.  I have always resented him for making my sister's trips home for Christmas very fast, very brief.  I call it the drive-by Christmas.  They arrive Christmas Eve or late the day before and leave Christmas morning to go to his crazy mother's house in another city.  One Thanksgiving, he was so in a rush to get home that he drove across the state of Washington and back in one day to avoid staying overnight and to make the dinner as brief as possible.  And all he did was criticize the entire evening all the way home.  He is very funny and charming sometimes but most of the time he is displaying vile behavior usually in front of ME. Not everyone else in the family has been privy to this treat.
I think he sees me as the baby of the family the most target prone to his provoking behavior. He tries to create drama and most of my family have the tolerance of a saint, and blow off his remarks but something inside me this time just wanted to fight back and he knows it and I let him win. He ruined my Christmas for me.  He was poking me all day with jabs about this and that. ie; I asked them to carry over in the car for me some gifts I didn't want to take with me on the plane ( I flew over and they drove since I am staying at parent's house longer) and he made a remark about how he didn't have room for snow chains in the car because of all the crap they had to carry over and he looked right at me. I made them cookies and packed up one box of things, it wasn't a ton of things. So it just continued all day long. And then when I asked my dear mother to read a very special Christmas card when we were opening gifts he turned the stereo on very loud and we couldn't hear her since she is soft spoken so I told him to turn it down and he did and stormed out of the room and my sister went after him, thus ruining my special Christmas card moment.  They both walked out on my mother and this upset me so I started to get emotional and tried to stifle my tears but soon my sobs were evident and no one did anything. My sister in law grabbed my leg and started squeezing it as if to say I know I know... but I can't say anything because he will go ballistic. Well, things got worse he was trying to fix the dvd player and then got in my face when I offered advise after he asked me how it worked... we just yelled at each and it ended with me yelling at him " Thanks for ruining my Christmas!!" and he stormed out of the house. I have been wanting to do that for years because he has ruined so many family gatherings I can't even count them.  My sister in law is a Psychologist and she went running after him to talk him down.  I went to bed and stayed in the guest room until they left the next morning. I have no idea what my sister in law said to him but she has counseled him before in family situations casually as a friend and always seems like she is on his side.  This upsets me because now I an the bad guy for stooping to his level. And yes, I agree, I feel horrible for letting him get to me and for throwing insults back at him, but I have had enough of this abuse crap. At the very least he is emotionally abusing my family and bringing his dysfunctional crap to our once happy gatherings. Now I don't want to be anywhere near him/them ever again but this will hurt my parents who are aging now so every Christmas holiday is precious.  What hurts the most is why didn't anybody SAY ANYTHING to him when he was obviously provoking me? I am very sad that in private my family agrees he is horrible and it's my sister's life and choice to be with him and we cannot do or say anything. Yes, it's been this way for almost 20 years and I am TIRED OF IT. I have no relationship with my sister , even though I have tried. He has brain washed her to stay away from us for the most part. They go to all his crazy drug/alcoholic family functions, but for her to take off by herself to see her family is not allowed. Once when we were all together in my condo for my sister's birthday party he sat in the corner of the room while listening to us laugh and talk and since we have varying viewpoints on politics we have a pact to never discuss this topic at family gatherings since we are all very opinionated, well, it was going so well, but he  knew what to do to stir the pot.  He got up and said something about George Bush and then it was off to the races... all hell broke loose and one of my sisters ended up in tears and I was shell shocked.  He will come crawling back like he does when he makes a jack ass of himself and apologize but I am so tired of this behavior it makes me sad that I have to avoid him and my sister now. :(  I know there isn't a real solution here, but maybe you  have some insight. Thanks for listening!

ANSWER: Hi Judy,

Thank you for writing to get some ideas of what to do. I understand how disturbing and painful this is for you and believe your question is where do you go from here. First of all, as you probably know, he will never change. This is who and what he is and has been for the 20 years since you have known him and he will always be this way. It is unfortunate that your sister is choosing to put up with this behavior but that is her choice and there is nothing you can do until she decides to get some help to change her situation.

I know this is a horrible situation when there appears to be much love and caring within the family with one person’s behavior affecting the family’s happiness and joy. I also understand putting up with this dysfunctional behavior all of these years has finally caused much strife within you and now something has to change. There are several things you can do and may take the entire family to create a plan to respond effectively when his misbehavior happens at family events. Or if they are not interested in partaking, you can start making the appropriate response that keeps him quiet and allows the family to enjoy the day. When you learn and use these effective responses, the rest of the family will most likely start using them too. Then the family can enjoy the day.

There are a couple good books I would recommend to start with called: The Complete Idiot's Guide to Verbal Self-Defense by Lillian Glass, Ph.D and Patricia Evans books on verbal abuse. Both of these books help you understand verbal abuse and effective ways to respond. Just a warning, these techniques will feel uncomfortable at first but when you start seeing the positive results, they will become easier to use.

I would also suggest for you and family members to see a counselor who specializing in abusive relationships and domestic violence. Even though there may not be physical abuse, the emotional abuse is more damaging and harmful to a person’s well being. Working with someone who understands this unhealthy emotional bond will help you learn new ways to deal with him and enjoy your family.

Good counselors who may be of help are: Sandra Brown and Jennifer Young: http://saferelationshipsmagazine.com/

It will take some time to learn these new ways but with patience, desire and determination to have joyful family gatherings will most likely give you the energy to master these techniques. These techniques will also help you deal with other people's bad behavior more effectively so you can live life with love and joy.

Please keep asking questions and let me know how everything is going. You deserve to enjoy your family and have joyful times with them and it will be up to you to make this happen!

Much Peace to you,

Coach Cathy
Cathy Backlund, Life Coach Specializing in Abusive Relationships and Domestic Violence Education


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank you for your reply! I also feel embarrassed and humiliated to ask my sister in law what he said to her after our heated exchange.  She will just explain away his faults and actions and then make me feel guilty and powerless.  I love her to death, she is amazing and wonderful, and loves me too but I don't feel very supported I guess when it comes to these altercations with the bro-in-law. She is so tolerant and I feel like a 12 year old girl since lashing back at him and engaging in this behavior.  

Also, do you think my sister is in danger?  Do people like this progress to physical abuse?  That's what I am afraid of and always have been.  Another quick story... when I first moved to the same city they live in I stayed with them for 3 weeks until I found a job ( before I realized he was nuts) and he made me feel uncomfortable and unwelcome the entire time I was there.  Every day he would badger me with do you have a job yet? why not? what did you do all day... ect. ect... well needless to say I took the very first job offer i got since I could not wait to get the heck out of that house.  The badgering was just one issue. I witnessed his explosive temper when something my sister did like not cleaning the bathroom properly or some stupid thing but the cherry on top was the night she was up in the bathroom which is within ear shot of the guest room I was in and she was throwing up very loudly like she does when she gets migraine headaches. She gets them chronically and I am convinced it's because of the stress she is living under with him.  Anyway, this one night when she was throwing up he goes in to the bathroom and starts SCREAMING at her " WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?"  over and over, like she could help it. OMG!!! I could not belive my ears and I was seriously frightened that if I got and said something he would do something crazy so I just waited until he calmed down and went back to bed and then I checked on my sister, poor thing.  I am scared for her.  
Is there anything we can do or is just the wait out until she gets the guts to get the heck out of there.  This is his 2nd marriage and he has a son from his high school days that he never sees.  Gee I wonder why! :)
Ugg. this is so exhausting I feel very drained.  Christmas used to be so much fun, no kidding. We really did have great times always full of laughter until he showed up. :( I feel trapped like my family doesn't understand completely.  I do have another sister who lives out of the country and is removed now from this situation but years ago when she still lived in the same city as me and  sister A and abusive bro in law, she got it to with him too because she calls people on their shit usually and this one day she had a moment like I did where she couldn't bite her tongue anymore.  He was making outrageous comments about gay people and sister B the outspoken one had a brother in law that died of aids and it was a sensitive thing.  My family is very tolerant and loving and this jerk is totally homophobic.  She got in to it with him and they really got in to a huge fight that did not end well. So the good news is, sister B is coming to visit tomorrow while I am still here at the parents house so I can fill her in and will get some sympathy there i think.  I guess that's what I am looking for , a sympathetic ear.  My parents are the most loving wonderful people, they don't hold on to grudges or slights.  They forgive and move on. It's a real blessing to have them as parents and the lessons I have learned are immeasurable! So I don't the response I want from them when I talk about my bro in law, they just toss out the love and forgiveness. Haha! Yes, I know it's the only way to be. Truly Christ like and tolerant.  
It is so hard though. I am trying. I usually do a good job of being tolerant and forgiving but this is obviously bothering me, enough so I am sitting here writing this note to you. Anyway.  Should I be worried for my sister?

Answer
Hi Judy,

Anytime pathological people are around, they have a negative impact on people. That is one of the ways to spot these people out when they display their outrageous behavior that affects others. Who else would do that? These people usually need a lot of attention and need control over people or situations and one way to maintain control is to “pick a fight” and have someone fight back. But unfortunately, dealing face to face with these folks makes you feel horrible afterwards and doesn’t help the situation. And since these type of people love this type of attention and power, they will be looking forward to the next go around.  

The only way around this is to not give them the opportunity to pick a fight. Being tolerant is one way people choose to deal with folks as such but sometimes being too tolerant creates unintentional emotional harm for folks because they can’t be themselves. Instead of being themselves and enjoying life, they learn to always walk on eggshells worrying about the next anger episode. Walking on eggshells over a long period of time creates anxiety and submission which then allows the bad behavior to continue and creates emotional harm for the person who believes they are just being tolerant. A very damaging, abusive cycle for the tolerant person.

Now, your question of do you need to be worried about your sister? The answer to that question is yes—emotional harm is always devastating to the soul but there is not much you can do about it until she decides she doesn’t want to live that way anymore.  Trying to deal with him face to face only gives him the power to talk negatively about you and helps drive that wedge between you and your sister and the rest of the family. But sitting back and being tolerant only allows the bad behavior to continue. So, what do you do?

Here are a couple of things to try. When he displays his bad behavior, try saying some things as such:

“Did you really mean to say that?”
“Really?”
“That is interesting!”

Then turn away and start talking to someone else. Now, you are in control of the conversation and the situation which doesn’t allow him to “pick that fight.”

When you see him degrading your sister, turn to your sister and look her straight in the eye and ask her how she feels about whatever he did or said. This will help her “feel” or recognize the inappropriate behavior instead of just being tolerant of it. When you learn these techniques, you are helping to break the cycle of abuse which may help your sister see and understand the damaging emotional impact on her.

Your other question of is your sister in danger? Emotional abuse can lead into physical abuse because of the need to be more in control. Encouraging your sister to see a counselor who specializes in abusive behavior may help her as well. But pushing too hard will also drive a wedge between the two of you. Being calm and asking your sister what she wants to do is always a good approach. Here is another good book that may help give you ideas of other techinques to use: Helping Her get Free by Susan Brewster, M.S.S.W.

Breaking cycles of abuse is a long process and will take time to learn new ways of dealing with this situation. Please keep asking questions as you go along. Your sister is very fortunate to have a sister who cares as much as you do. Being there for her when she is ready will be invaluable for her. And always remember to take care of yourself to maintain a "healthy" you in the process.

Much Peace,

Coach Cathy
Cathy Backlund, Specializing in Abusive Relationships and Domestic Violence Education