Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 12/17/2011

Question
Hello Kriss,

I appear to be in an unsteady relationship and find myself feeling worse about myself. My boyfriend can be one of the most gold-hearted individuals one moment and then a constant critic the next.

It really hurts me when he picks out the negative things about me. I understand that no one is perfect, but whenever he's upset with one thing, a whole wave of other things get brought up and he makes me seem like I'm such a pathetic woman.

For instance, sometimes I get really tired and/or suffer from headaches or dizziness. Lately, he seems to get angry at me for just saying that I have a headache or sick and will usually respond derisively that I'm "always tired/sick" or that it's "always [my] excuse." He calls me lazy and says that he hasn't seen "any change in me." He seems to assume all these things about me and compare me to others (and these assumptions are not true). He even ridiculously implied that I was trying to use him to pay off my student loan just because I moved in with him. I am in the process of getting my security license while looking for work related to my field (I have a Bachelor of Arts in English and Professional Writing and a College Diploma in the General Arts and Science). I've been looking online a lot, but I am still accused of being lazy. He seems to think that I just "don't like work" and that is the reason for my feeling sick and tired. I'm not lazy... I've worked very hard to get where I am... if I'm genuinely sick and/or tired, it's because that's the way I feel. I'm not consciously thinking of giving up. I think there are medical reasons for me feeling the way I do and I'm trying to fix that.

I'm sure if you heard his point of view, it would sound very different, but I'm just tired of being called stupid, lazy, etc. He'll say one thing one moment and then another the next. I know he does care... I've witnessed it myself. But I just want him to stop thinking badly of me simply because I am currently unemployed and/or sleep a little longer than I should.

I guess what I'm asking is: is it okay for a boyfriend to criticize his girlfriend? Are there certain things that are okay for one to criticize someone for? Are his reasons for criticizing me valid, and is there a way to say things in a nicer way?

I feel so frustrated. He tells me that his mother often criticizes me (but will never do it to my face) and now his mother came to me and says she understands that my boyfriend is a hard one to deal with. Some people think very well about him and others don't. He's just one of those people. He says he wants to change for the better, but I haven't seen that much change... yet, he previously said that he saw the change in me, but now is saying otherwise. I think it's just when he gets upset, everything comes up in one big, huge mess. I want to go for counselling, but it's been so hard to get someone (he even said that he was willing to go).

What is your take on this? Is this emotional abuse?

Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,
Olivia

Answer
Dear Olivia,
Criticism that isn't constructive is usually someone trying to get a message across that they can't come out and say directly.  It sounds as if he's resentful about having to support you and isn't coming out and directly saying that. If that is the case, then you may want to rethink living with this individual.

Secondly, if this is something that he continues to do, it is inappropriate to continue to criticize someone without trying to resolve the real issues themselves.  If he is willing to go to counseling, I would suggest taking advantage of that open door.  This kind of thing needs the help of a third party.

In answer to your question regarding emotional abuse, it could fall into that category depending on the severity or intensity of the criticism.  If you don't like the criticism, then you need to take action to stop it.  Tell him it isn't appreciated and you don't want to hear it.  If you aren't asking for his advise then he needs to keep it to himself.  If that causes problems between you, that is also something to take to the counselor.  Unsolicited advise isn't appreciated and that is something he needs to realize.  

I wish you well and if I can be of any further assistance, please feel free to contact me again.  Merry Christmas!