Expert: Eugenia Springer, Ph.D. - 12/3/2011

Question
sir, my friend meenakshi has a friend ravi whomshe know since 5 years . he is very good friend and very caring and understanding. slowly ravi started developing interest in meenakshi and fell in love with her. he also told meenakshi but meenakshi told she accepts him as a friend only. since last 1 month meenakshi also started feeling some love about him. but now she is very tensed and cannot tell this to him. feeling very shy or akward and cannot even utter a word with him. when they had friendly relation she was  very much talking to him but now she does not know how to talk to him regards him, very frightened, she wants that ravi should not know this to early. she wants to know him very closely now. how to start the conversation and how to make approach so that things go fine and does not lead to any wrong results. thnaks please help my friend..

Answer
Sudhir,

From what you have said, Meenakshi seems to be a normal, virtuous girl. It is good that she has known Ravi for five years, as a friend.  Now, she is aware of his personality, and is in a favorable position to decide if he is the kind of young man she would want as a spouse.

The way to make conversation, is to pay attention to what the other person is communicating; not only through words, but also through what is said or what is not said; through body language, voice inflexion, and general behavior. Listen, with your eyes and your ears, and ask for clarification, to be sure that what you think the person is saying is indeed what they mean.  Do not judge; do not attack; do not criticize.  

What upsets you might be your interpretation of what you think the person means by their communication, or your understanding of what you think they were communicating.

Whenever you don't like what you are hearing, tell the person in a non-threatening tone, what you heard, and ask if that is what they meant or just ask them to explain.  

Approach the other person as you would like to be approached.  Try seeing situations through their eyes, feel for them; try to see things as they see things, though you  might not agree with how they look at things.  

Empathy and compassion are the keys to good communication.  When you take time to honestly listen to what the other person is trying to transmit you won't have to bother about what you should say; and the other person would feel appreciated that you take time to understand them.  

And Sudhir, it does take time and effort to understand the other person.  Taking that time is a sign of true friendship.

I hope what I have shared here helps you, Meenakshi, and Ravi.