Expert: Cathy Backlund, Life Coach in Abuse & Domestic Violence - 12/18/2011

Question
Hi Cathy,

A few years ago I was in a relationship which somebody who was very controlling. He isolated me from my friends and family and wanted me to spend all my spare time with him. He even tried to control where I worked.

It took me a long time to get out of that relationship and when I did I just wanted to forget about the whole experience. I decided to stay single for a long time after that because I was scared the same thing would happen again.

Eventually I felt comfortable enough to be in another relationship and now am I seeing a really lovely, kind, supportive guy. The problem is that my fears from the previous relationship are putting a strain on this one. I'm constantly worrying about things and questioning everything and this inevitably leads to arguments. Also, because my previous relationship was my first "real" relationship, I feel like I have no concept of how I should be treated. In some ways I feel like I must have deserved to be treated like that but on another level I know that doesn't make much sense!

I don't feel comfortable talking to my boyfriend or many other people about my past experiences with relationships and I'm sure it must be very bewildering for him to have me worrying all the time! Is it normal to feel like this and is there anything I can do to stop feeling so scared?

Thank you so much for your help!

Answer
Hi Marie

Thank you for writing and getting some information about the aftermath of abusive relationships. Since I am a Life Coach specializing in abusive relationships and domestic violence education, I can share with you some information that occurs from these type of relationships.

First of all, no one EVER deserves to be treated poorly or disrespectfully. But there are people in this world who don’t know how to properly communicate or feel they are entitled to treat others poorly. Knowing and accepting this fact helps with understanding that there are people like this in the world and they are NEVER going to change—that is who and what they are and what they believe. Your only choice is to recognize these folks or the red flags and stay away from them.

Ok, with that said, many times we get involved in relationships because we don’t see the red flags or get manipulated into them—many of these folks are VERY good at what they do and can pull the wool over our eyes very easily. Being involved and getting out of an abusive relationship can cause post traumatic stress--PTSD. Abusive relationships can be very traumatic on our emotions causing many symptoms such as fear or flashbacks from the previous disturbing events in the relationship.  This is very common.

So, yes it can be very normal to feel the way you are feeling. In my understanding, since I am not a counselor, the only way to deal with the aftermath of abusive relationships is to see a counselor who specializing in this field. Here are a couple of counselors I would recommend for you to speak with:

Sandra Brown, MA, who has written several books about this issue and also provides counseling: http://saferelationshipsmagazine.com/sandras-bio

Jennifer Young, MS, who is also wonderful and understands what you are experiencing can offer help for you. http://saferelationshipsmagazine.com/trait-examination-column

Judith Orloff, MD who also writes books. http://www.drjudithorloff.com/Emotional-Freedom/Description.htm

My understanding is that once you develop PTSD that it needs to be treated—it does not go away on its own and the sooner the better because the PTSD can start taking over and affecting the quality of your life. There are techinques and help available to help you with the damaging aftermath of such relationships. I would urge you to talk with a professional counselor who knows and understands PTSD.  

Let me know if this helps and please keep asking these very good questions. You deserve to live life to the fullest with love and joy and to feel comfortable in a healthy relationship.

Much peace to you,
Cathy Backlund, Life Coach Specializing in Abusive Relationships and Domestic Violence Education