Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 12/12/2011

Question
Hi there! I'm seeking your advice because my husband has just about had it with me not being able to let go of my past. The father of my child verbally and physically abused me for years. Everytime my husband and I get into an argument I seem to bring up my past fights with my ex and become extremely defensive. I don't know how to not flip on my defense switch. I keep thinking that my husband will react the same way and I will be hurt again. What can I do to let go? or how can I fix my issue? any advice will help I just dont' know what to do.

Answer
Dear Jessica,
It is very difficult for victims of abuse to "just let it go".  Most of the time, when victims have been verbally and physically abused, they can develop PTSD as a result.  Your defense mechanisms come up due to the trigger of the argument.  

Getting over this issue will more than likely require some professional assistance from an abuse or trauma counselor.  If you have a domestic violence organization or a women's center in your local area, they usually provide this kind of service for little to no cost.  

One thing you might do is make an agreement with your husband to take a time out when you start getting triggered.  This may help you take a moment to breathe and calm yourself down.  You can remind yourself that this is not the same man and that you are not in danger.  Once you are calmed down, you can re-engage with your husband to continue the discussion.

Since anger is a trigger for you, your husband should learn all he can about abuse victims, PTSD etc and work with you to find another way to deal with your disagreements.  Arguing never solves anything so both of you gaining some good conflict resolution skills might be helpful as well.  Defining the problem, finding a solution by brainstorming is one form of conflict resolution that would be helpful.  

I wish you all the best and if I can be of any further assistance, please feel free to contact me.