Expert: Eugenia Springer, Ph.D. - 12/14/2011

Question
Hello.  I have been in a relationship for the past two months with someone who is bipolar (or something like that) and he's an alcoholic who blacks out a couple times a week.  Its the usual deal:  He's extra sweet and charming one day, then the next day he's mean and uber-irritable and looking for a fight.  The two extremes have gotten worse in the short time we've been dating.  About three days ago I decided I had had enough.   This is what's happened so far.  Day one:  I told him I didn't want to hang out.  That night, when I got back from work he was passed out on my couch. (I stupidly left my door unlocked)  I had no choice  but to let him sleep there.  He left of his own accord early in the AM.  Day two:  He called me about thirty times.  I called him back once and told him that if he came over I'd call the police.  He left a string of abusive voicemail messages calling me "cunt" and "Whore," etc.  When night came, I locked my door and waited.  He came and knocked on my door several times.  He tried the handle.  I was so scared.  I heard him pretend to walk away, wait a while, and then he came back and knocked on my door again. The anger I felt then was enough to kill someone.  Day Two: Today.  He called me a couple of times, apologizing for being rude, etc, but I don't buy it. Today I left a note on my door that says "Please leave me alone." I also left a note at his house explaining I didn't want to be with him anymore.  For some reason, I'm so scared sitting alone in my house when he comes and knocks on my door.  It feels like a horror movie kind of terror...  Mostly I'm terrified I'll open the door, and he'll charm me back into being with him... Or worse, I'll loose control and try to hit him which I have done with others in the past.  
It seems like I'm either "making nice" and acting as if nothing is bothering me (out of fear of conflict), or in a totally uncontrollable rage in which case I have to get out of the situation immediately.   I'm so scared of the emotional "fireworks" that are created when he and I are together.  
I'd like to think I'll continue diligently avoiding him, but I know myself, and I don't know if I have the strength to continue this 24/7.  
In your experience, will he eventually stop coming by?  Will he ever realize I don't want to be with him?  How long will that take?  What's the best way to end a relationship like this?  
I realize I could put a restraining order on him, but I'd rather not do that so soon....
When I'm not in a relationship, I'm a pretty well-adjusted person.  I support myself and I'm in school for my RN. But something takes over me when I'm in a relationship.  I scare myself.

Answer
Myojin,

Will he eventually stop coming by?  It depends on what he is looking for.  If he is looking for your attention, and succeeds in getting a response from you, even though it might be a negative response, he might keep coming.

Will he ever realize that you do not want to be with him?  It depends on whether you really do not want to be with him.

Having him realize that you do not want to be with him would take as long as it takes for you to show that you really mean that.

What is the best way to end a relationship like this? I don't know.  If you are talking about an emotionally ill person, and if you yourself are not feeling too emotionally healthy, the messages you are communicating to this man might not be crisply clear.  You could be sending mixed messages, and leading him on while you are saying you do not want to be with him.

If you want to end the relationship, tell him it's over; not that you want it to be over; but that it is over.  Accept no messages; and send no messages; keep your door locked and play some soft music, or get about doing whatever you would do if you were alone.

If the man is bipolar could it be that he needs to be on medications?  But this is his problem.  Do not expect normal, rational behavior from someone who is emotionally ill.  The question to you is, should you be talking with a therapist, especially seeing that you are studying to be a nurse.  The fact that you have chosen to be emotionally involved with someone who is finding it challenging to cope, and that you have this uncontrollable rage that explodes whenever you are in a relationship, suggests that you should be seeking help for yourself.  Talk to the administration at Nursing school about this.  They should be able to arrange therapy for you.

Take care of yourself.  Sort out the problems of your past that have left you with this fighting anger. Love yourself; accept yourself; forgive yourself for whatever might have you angry with yourself.  And forgive those you now resent.

People have problems.  Some are caused by bad experiences and painful memories.  Many painful memories stem from our childhood experiences and the effect of the parenting we received.  Some problems however, result from the way chemicals in our brain interact-- from our brain chemistry.  People, whose thinking tends to be irrational because of problems with their brain chemistry,  still desire to be loved, and to have relationships.  It is hard for them to understand why their relationships have to be always turbulent.  They want what you want, peace, respect, understanding, compassion, and acceptance.  Some of this might be attainable if they stay on their medications.

But though you may feel compassion for someone with an emotional challenge, you are free to say, "I do not choose to be in a relationship with you."  Go about your life in joy, Myojin, staying alert to keeping a healthy distance between you and this man.