Expert: David Simonsen - 12/5/2011

Question
I live 4 hours from my boyfriend, Mike.  He is 60 and I am 56.  He will retire in June 2013.
The problem is this.  Mike is divorced from his exwife, who lives with her daughter  upstairs in Mike’s house because she and the 18 year old daughter, from another marriage of hers…are  jobless, skill-less and wants Mike to pay for her entire college education until June 2013 when Mike retires.  Also, she has her boyfriend, Barry, staying upstairs with her a few nights a week as well.  So the three of them,….Exwife, Barry, and her daughter, age 18, living upstairs in Mikes house.  The exwife is 20 years younger and only married Mike to stop her Visa from throwing her back to Russia….once Mike found this out he did divorce her yet she still lives with him……and
Mike doesn’t want to throw them out on the streets so he allows this……Barry has his own apt., but since he is getting out of a 20 year marriage, he probably doesn’t want the EXwife and daughter living with him full time, I guess??  Not sure, because Mike won’t ask him…..The solution seems simple to me:   Get the EX and the daughter to move in with Barry and get student loans for the both of them and the problem is solved…OR her and the daughter can get some minimum wage jobs and students loans and get an apt together....but
So this Friday, Mike is supposed to sign some papers to allow the exwife, and daughter FULL MONEY …..$2200 per month until June 2013, plus pay for the wife and daughters education until June 2013….. and then here is still NO guarantee the wife or daughter will get a job from their college degrees.
In the meantime, I NEVER want to visit Mike and drive four hours up there and stay with them for a visit..EVER!!!  He doesn’t quit understand this and says he needs me there to help him through this……..I told him, I make NO guaranttes I will wait for him until June 2013..and will keep my mind open to look for others.
THE REASON I  HANG ONTO MIKE IS THIS:   I came out of a HORRID 3 year relationship with a LYING SOB man, who was awful to the max…….and only MIKE could BREAK my FIX I had with my past relationship…..Mike showered me with gifts and money and he is the BEST sex I have ever had…so CARING and such and such….He has been really good to me…..we travel together and such…..so Mike has given to me financially and emotionally.
What should I do?  Just see him every few weeks and have him drive down to see me, and date others on the side, or what?????
The reason I do not let this go that easily is that there is NO ONE in my small town to date…and  I usually have to attract long distance  men…and I DO look around  on dating sites but can’t find anyone else right now….so maybe I should just  use Mike and see him every 6 weeks or so, until I find someone else….and I would tell Mike this so he is fully aware of what I am doing.  As bad as this email seems, there is a genuine, beautiful love between Mike and I…that is priceless….but I can’t wait for him ..can I?  He will  have a huge retirement coming in June 2013…and  I am not after his money….I just can not tolerate waiting to get married for another 2 years …is he worth this wait?

Answer
Angie,
Only you really know if he is worth the wait. With the information you have given me I wouldn't really put a lot of hope into the fact that after he retires things will be different. So your solution to be up front with him while still seeing him is probably the best. There is some type of emotional attachment going on still otherwise he would have made these people move out. I think he is probably a rescuer. He did it with you and he has done it with these others. If you want that in your life then keep seeing him. Just don't make any commitments to him as I believe he won't be getting rid of these people anytime soon. I would suggest you encourage him to make sure anything he has people sign in the way of financial support be gone over by an attorney. I would worry that these people would take major advantage of him. He should also have someone that has his interests in mind be able to take charge of his finances should something happen to him in the next year. These people don't have his best interest in mind most likely.
David
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