Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 2/17/2011

Question
I am 37, my husband is 34. We have been together 13 years and married for 11. We have a 2 year old daughter. I have been in denial about my husbands behavior. I have always thought it was just immaturity, but I finally realize that it is abuse. The abuse has been going on most of the time we have been together, I just always figured he would grow up and stop. There are so many things that he has done or said, I could go on for pages. I will touch on just a few of the biggies.

He has always had an issue with me hanging out with my friends or family. He would call constantly while I was with them, and if I was even 15 minutes late he would pick a fight with me, or make me feel guilty because 'I would rather hang out with my friends than him'. If I stopped answering his calls or turned my phone off he would leave nasty msgs cussing at me and berating me.

When our daughter was 4 months old, I went to a friends house for a couple of hours. I accidentally left my phone in the car. Within 15 minutes of me leaving our house he started leaving me msgs. The first 3 or 4 were my baby crying in the background while he was berating me, telling me what a bad mother I am that I don't care that there is something wrong with my baby. The next 3 or 4 were his telling me that my horse was out on the road and was going to get hit. The last 4 or 5 were him just cussing at me and berating me. When I got home I found out that he had lied about my horse being out on the road.

He regularly accuses me of cheating on him because I have friends that are males that I talk to and text. He even accused me of messing around with a guy that he had been friends with for a long time. He had stopped talking to the friend because he (the friend) had gotten hurt at work and was severly depressed. My husband just said he was lazy. The friend needed support so I continued to have contact with him, and support him.

He gets pissed when I spend any money he doesn't think that I should. He, of course can spend anything that he wants. He owns his own business, so he has a seperate acct from our joint personal acct. My entire paycheck goes toward bills and living expenses, he only deposits what he has to, to cover bills that my check doesn't cover. I believe he does this so I don't have money to spend. I can't even go to lunch with a friend without him getting ticked.

There has been many fights that start with me trying to talk to him about his behavior or a situation that end up with me yelling and crying because he has managed to turn it around to blame me and in trying to defend myself I end up feeling like I'm talking to a brick wall, and that we are just talking in circles. There are only so many ways I can try explain something. I have gotten so frustrated and hurt I felt like a wild animal that was cornered and fighting for my life. A couple times, I'm extremely ashamed to say, I have struck out at him physically because I felt so trapped.

These examples are just a bare minimum of what he does. This marriage has drained me dry. I am just a shadow of my former self. I don't even try to go do the things that I used to love. It takes too much effort. I'm on antidepressants and they are helping some. I'm no longer in love with him. I haven't been for over a year. I do care about him as our daughters father.

We have been in counseling on and off for over 3 years. But the counselor that we are seeing now, doesn't recognize his behavior as abusive. She actually says that it wouldn't have gotten to this point if I would have 'put my foot down' a long time ago. I didn't realize until recently how wrong this statement is. He has made some changes, but not where it really counts. He hasn't truly owned up for his behaviors.

I am making plans to get out. I have an appt with an attorney. But I am scared that I won't be able to stay strong thru this process.

What I am hoping that you can help me with is;
1) How can I stay strong through this process for myself and my daughters sake?
2) What can I do to help my daughter through this?
3) Any advice on what I can do through this planning stage to make sure I get maximum custody of her. I don't want to keep her from her Dad, but I want to make sure that I have control while she is so young.

Thank you for your time.
Angela

Answer
Hi Angela,
I am glad to know that you have made the decision to leave.  Your husband has definite control and jealousy issues, not unlike a major portion of abusive husbands.  In regard to your questions, the way to stay strong is first to write out all the reasons that you have made the decision to leave and keep it with you.  Review it daily or whenever you feel you are weakening in your position.  The next thing to do is to develop a support network around you and give them permission to confront you if you begin to weaken in your position.  You definitely want to go through with this at this point and you will be glad on the other side.  You must remind yourself that this relationship does not give you life.  You are dying in it and that is reason enough to get out.

Be prepared for your husband to apologize profusely, say he is sorry and promise never to do whatever it is again.  This will be difficult, but the thing to remember is that you have already given him hundreds of chances to change and he has not done enough to change the problems that remain in the marriage.  If he could do what he promises, he already would have, and nothing will change if you go back.

To help your daughter, just be a stable mom.  Be there for her, love her and encourage her.  She will probably be relieved as well because the atmosphere in the home will change and she won't feel such tension.  

In regard to custody, document, document, document.  Anything he has done, especially if law enforcement has been involved will be proof.  Date your documents, get witness statements if you can...although that may be considered heresay.  It would be my advice to ask this question of your attorney as the laws in each state are different and they will know the information that they need in order to win their case.  You will get a lot of good information from you attorney.  Just know you will need an aggressive attorney and one who has experience with abuse cases.  I would ask for supervised visitation, just based on the description of how he has used her against you.  That will protect her from any future shenanigans.

I hope this has answered your question.  I truly wish you well and hope this works out for you in a positive way.  Please feel free to contact me again if you should need further assistance.

Blessings,  Kriss Mitchell
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