Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 2/7/2011

Question
Dear Kriss,

I split from my husband 7 months ago and now have a new partner.

My new partner is telling me my past sexual relationship with my husband was very wrong.

Despite initiating the split from my husband I've always defended his character and believed him essentially a nice guy. However, I am beginning to recognise that some of his behaviour was very wrong - he had anal sex with me against my wishes at least once and one time he started having sex with me whilst I was still asleep.

For most of the 13 years we were together I didn't love him and couldn't understand why I didn't fancy him. I understood he loved me and wanted to make love to his wife so that is what I tried to do, but we both knew I didn't want sex (ever) with him and essentially he badgered me for sex until I submitted. It was only in the last few years I was grateful he left me alone.

I would have called our sexual relationship dysfunctional but I'm now confused as to if it was more sinister than that, particularly the 'badgering' part. I would be most grateful for your opinion and advice (because obviously my new partner is biased in my favour).

Thanking you in advance.

Answer
Hi Lisa,
I can understand your confusion as sexual abuse within a marriage can be hard to define.  However, within a marriage or outside of marriage, if you don't want to have sex with someone, you should never be forced.  Considering what you are telling me, if the anal sex was against your will and sex while you were asleep was definitely against your will, I would put those things in the category of rape.  

As far as the badgering goes, men who are sexually addicted or have emotional needs that they can't satisfy tend to use sex as a means of meeting their needs.  Many of these individuals are not sensitive to the needs of their partners, often don't consider their needs and their partners tend to feel like receptacles.  There is no intimacy, it is simply a function....for both partners, only for different reasons.  

The forced intercourse would fall under the category of sexual abuse, however sexual abuse tends to happen over time and has a pattern to it.  Your relationship was definitely dysfunctional, your ex husband definitely has a problem, both sexually and relationally.  I clearly understand what you are saying about badgering, but in my opinion that would fall more under emotional and verbal abuse than sexual abuse.  

You were right to get out of this situation and no matter what the label is, you were being abused by this man.  I don't think I would attach the word sinister to it, but this man was using you to fulfill his needs without considering yours.  Most men with this kind of problem are more manipulative than they are sinister, if that makes sense in this situation.  There are many reasons for this kind of behavior, none of them good and they all need outside help to overcome.  I'm just glad that you are safe now.

Please let me know if I can be of any further assistance to you.  I wish you well and hope this time around things are much better for you.

Blessings,  Kriss Mitchell
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