Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 2/21/2011

Question
hello me and my partner have recently broken up and we separated after almost four years he left the house after an argument now its been almost four weeks and we havent talked i learnd online to give him space and time which i think i have now i was wondering if its a good idea to do something special and to try to get him back, im thinking of sending flowers once every other day saying possite things i also did learn that i shoulndt let him know that i miss him or im desperate to get back i just wanted to know if this idea of mine helps i do not want to push him away i dont know if this helps to tell you but we have aplit up before and he was the one to look for me and now i feel like i need to try again and tell him i want him back and i really want to look for him i also am aware that he could reject anything from me. the night he left i wasnt home he left me a letter saying dont contact me or look for me this is for the best. now i think its not fair that he does not want me to try and i really feel and want to let him know i miss him, i just want to know if sending items or what should i do to try and start again and get him back.

Answer
Hi Isaac,
Although the way he left was somewhat inappropriate, he did communicate that he considered this permanent and I would respect that request.  In doing so, it leaves this without closure for you, which is why I'm sure, that you are feeling the way you are.  

In all honesty, these are games and if you want to keep playing the game then that is a choice you will have to make. If one person is behaving in ways that cause the other person to chase them, that isn't healthy. I would not send flowers or chase after him.  If he doesn't want to be with you, why would you want him there?  People who want to be in your life ARE in your life.  You don't have to run after them or convince them to be there.  If you do, you always wonder about their commitment level.  He obviously is saying he is through, although it is a cowardly way to say it.  Let him go and find someone who appreciates you and wants to be in your life.  You will be much happier.  

When individuals play games like this, you either teach them that you are willing to be manipulated by responding to their manipulations or you teach them that you respect yourself and want a healthy relationship.  Chasing after someone isn't the most healthy way of conducting a relationship.  Let him come to you and if he doesn't, you have your answer.  If this goes on for quite some time and he decides to come back, I would question that as well.  This method of treatment is not honorable or respectful and should be confronted at that time.  Until then, let him be.  Take him at his word and go on with your life.

I wish you all the best as I know these are difficult decisions.  Please feel free to contact me again if you should require further assistance.

Blessings,  Kriss Mitchell
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