Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 3/6/2011

Question
Hello,
I am writing to you because I need advice on how to deal with an emotional abuser. 6 months ago,I dated a man for a month, and broke up with him because he had a negative personality.  He handled the break up by telling me that he was going to kill himself if he could never see me again. My family notified the sheriff at my college about him; and they really put themselves on the line to keep him away from me. 
  However, I made the dumb mistake of believing my ex's apologies; and I went back to him. Not surprisingly , I dumped him after a month again for the same reasons as before. That was four months ago, and now I have realized just how mentally messed up he is. He is OBSESSED. He told me that he thinks we are  soulmates and that he wants to buried next to my grave when he dies.  he is borderline stalking me too. He watches me walk to class from his car in the parking lot.  Ive cut off contact but its not helping. He recently saw me with another man and did not take it well. He followed the guy to his class and confronted him. He also has been trying to befriend my close friends so that he can get closer to me. He recently told my friend that he knows we will be together again. 
  I'm so scared, and I feel like an idiot for not trusting my gut about him, and for going back to him. I don't know what to do. I feel like I can't go back to the sheriff because of the mistake I made. I'm in a living nightmare and I don't know how to forgive myself for creating this mess.  The stress is affected my friendships and my family life too. My parentsu only get mad at me when I ask for help from them.  If you could offer your advice on how I should handle this, that would be great. 
Thank you
- nikia

Answer
Dear Nikia,
The only way out that I can see is to get the police involved again.  Yes, you made a mistake, but you won't make that mistake again and you do need help to get this person to leave you alone.  You can take out a restraining order or a no contact order (whatever your state's laws will do), but that won't keep him from stalking you unless you have anti-stalking laws.  Your only option is a legal one and then you will need to make sure that you don't open the door again...even minutely.  This man is mentally ill, but you are not and you cannot tempt him into his compulsive behaviors even a little bit or he won't be able to handle himself.  

Everyone in your circle of friends needs to know that if this man approaches them, they should call 911...no ifs, ands or buts.  He is unsafe and no one knows what he will do.  You must do the same.

Here is a link to one of my articles regarding change in people - this is a common mistake with abusive individuals, however victims need to understand that if there are no concrete steps taken to evoke change, change will not happen. http://livingwellcc.blogspot.com/2010/09/can-he-change.html  Take a look at this article for understanding of anything like this that might happen in the future.  

I truly wish you well and am so sorry that you are going through this.  Please let me know if there is any way that I can be of further assistance to you.

Blessings,  Kriss Mitchell