Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 4/24/2011

Question
7 years ago my husband and I moved our little family 1000 miles from all my friends and family.  I loved my life but he wanted to pursue his career and I thought I should be supportive, plus I was fearful he would not find a job where we lived.  We agreed if we were not happy after 1 year we would move back.  A year later, his entire family moved to be near us.  His family members are all older and not child-friendly to our now 3 daughters.  At family events they used to shut them away in a room with a DVD.  At family meals I was always put at the table with the children while they, along with my husband, would all sit together.  I worried for my children and myself.  I was not able to build up any friendships even through a moms group, church choir, and spiritual group, although I had lots of acquaintances...not friends.  My husband discovered 3 college friends here.  I used to sing and worked prof. in theatre, but the dry climate causes my throat to hurt so much when I sing that I no longer can.  The ENT told me I need to move to a humid climate.  My husband only gets angry when I remind him of our agreement.  His life has gone absolutely great...except for me.  I'm his one glitch.  I am without my family, no friends...I am alone.  I've lost singing which is my life-long love.  My children are among people who do not enjoy children.  I've invited them to dinner but they won't come.  I am alone.  My husband gets angry with me.  He thinks I haven't done enough to try to find happiness here, but after 7  years and lots of effort, I'm just not sure that it's only me.  It seems this is a large city and people just aren't open for new friendship.  After I talk to him, I walk away feeling confused and crazy, that it's all me.  One of his sisters threw several verbal punches, calling me negative, saying my husband should leave me.  On the other hand, my husband won't move back but he now sits at the table with me and doesn't get mad at me anymore when I am upset about going to another family function.  He has thrown a full can of Sprite at my head (he missed) and has chased me yelling.  I closed myself in the bathroom and he punched a hole into the door.  In 14 years that's as close as he's ever gotten to physically doing anything to me, but he loses his temper and I am afraid of him.  We used to get donuts, but we don't anymore because of his reaction...he makes me and my children feel really bad for eating them.  These are just a few things.  He encourages me to visit my family, but then he gets angry when he discovers we've rented a $5 movie, for example, and I am afraid of spending money on airfare...it's like he tells me and says all the right things but then he says or does something that speaks the opposite.  I'm tired.  My spirit feels dead.  I endured another long lecture of what my problem is and I just shut down waiting for him to finish because I didn't want a yelling fight that would make the children feels bad or worried.  Is this emotional abuse?

Answer
Dear Susan,
I am so very sorry for the situation that you find yourself in.  It seems like a no win situation for both of you and that is extremely difficult.  Yes, he is having a great life and you are not, but it seems that the situation would be reversed should you move back and that would be sad as well.  However, it doesn't seem to me that if you moved back that you would be emotionally abusive or that you would bully him and that is what is happening to you.
You don't seem to have a team relationship with your husband.  From your description you feel as though it is your husband and his family against you and your children.  That is a very, very difficult situation to be in.

What you are describing is an intimidating and bully type of relationship.  One of the issues that you must be struggling with is trust....did he really mean it when he said he would move back? If his family moved out there to be near you, he had obviously made the decision that you were staying or he would have warned them not to come until you both had made the decision about staying or not.  What it looks like he meant was that if HE wasn't happy he would move back...not we.  You were willing to give up your life for him but he is not willing to give up his life for you.  He may see it very practically...he's providing well, he's happy, he has family...his life is working which means life should be working for everyone.  It's a narrow perspective but it works for him.  Now, on the other hand, he isn't handling the heart side of it very well...which is what you are talking about.  You are talking about joy, attachment, bonding...he is talking about work, career and financial security I would imagine.  Those are two totally different perspectives.  

He is a bully and he expects that if he bullies you enough you will conform and that isn't how it works.  We aren't talking about behavior here, we are talking about fulfillment of life and he probably doesn't realize that.  His heart is closed to the situation because he has what he wants.  You are describing him as controlling, intimidating and a bully...in that type of relationship you would feel the way you do because there isn't anything life giving about it.  You are an adult and you have the right to make decisions as well as he has.  The decisions that he is making for you and your family aren't working and I would imagine that he doesn't have the skill set to do life any other way.  What would happen if you started making decisions?  What would happen if you could get to the point where you were OK with him being upset?  He can be upset, he can get angry....what he isn't allowed to do is be aggressive with his anger, to intimidate you or hurt you with it.  

The way to deal with a bully is to allow them to be unhappy and not have it affect you.  Do what you need to do in life.  Now that doesn't mean that you don't try to be accommodating, that you don't try to work things out with your husband.  But, when it comes down to decisions about whether you are going to be fulfilled or unfulfilled, then you may have to look at it like he does.  The other way to deal with it is leave and that may be what ends up happening.

However, before you give up your family I would encourage you to get into some personal counseling to figure out if there is anything that you haven't seen to do or if there are any personal obstacles in your life that has kept you from being able to settle there and blend successfully.  He doesn't have to be a part of that...that is just for you.  There may be a point where he gets involved..or not, but at least you are doing everything that you can do to overcome what you see as an obstacle.  If these things just cannot be overcome, then you have some hard decisions to make.  

What is going on now is not OK for either of you and something has to change....simply put, if nothing changes, nothing changes.  Do what you need to do to figure it out, get the help you need to figure it out and then take the steps you need to take to make the changes that need to be made.  

Emotional abuse is causing someone pain and then ridiculing them for feeling the pain.  He may be frustrated with the situation, but the way he is handling it is unacceptable.  If he gets physical with you, DO NOT hesitate to call 911.  That action alone will change things.  

I wish you well and if there is anything I can do to assist you further, please feel free to contact me.

Blessings,  Kriss Mitchell
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