Expert: james52144@earthlink.net - 4/6/2011

Question
Hi James,
This might be a bit long, but I wanted a man's perspective on my marriage. I have been dating / married for 15 years.  I also have 2 kids that where 1&3 when we got together. The are now 16 & 18.
I have now moved out of the house with my kids.
The trouble is I keep thinking I should try to work this out, as it is a marriage. Looking back it doesnt seem as bad, as I felt at the time. My kids are very happy to be gone.
Here goes....my spouse is very mild mannered and kind alot of the time, but. I started noticing things around the time my kids where becoming preteens, but there was stuff going on before looking back. My spouse would get mad at my teens for not doing there chores or not doing what he asked them to do he would yell / scream at them. He agreed to start asking them to do there stuff or take away something (cell phone, tv, etc) from them till they did it. This never happened, he would some days get mad at them about eating in there room, dishes, leaving a light on, or whatever other days not a word. They did their stuff some days, and where busy / or tired the other days. He didnt help around the house, only outside. He would yell at them, I told him to stop yelling at my kids, it was awful. They would cry or just stay in their room. Then it was like he got mad at me for saying anything and would not talk to me and or leave not answer any phone calls for 2 to 3 days. I got to the point that I told him to stop disciplining my kids at all. It kept going on, he would want one of them to help him with some outdoor chore, but would not ask them in advance, he just expected them to be ready when he decided he was going to do something. He wanted my son to help him and he had just taken a shower and was getting ready to go to youth group, my husband exploded and yelled how no one ever helps him. I asked him to please ask if he has plans before you need the help. Husband was not involved in anything the kids do. This went on for a few years and I started losing feelings for my spouse.
Not only was he getting mad at the kids, he was getting mad at me too. We would get in arguments and he would rage, scream, and never let me get a word in, as to how I felt. I told him ' I dont love you anymore' about a year ago, he then started calling me a liar, because he would call me at work several times a day and would tell me he loved me and I would say 'ily2'. It got really bad in the past year and I started just leaving when he would get mad and he wouldnt let me leave, he would block my exit, take my car keys, chasing after me raging and raging. It usually was always because a chore didnt get done, or I didnt answer the phone, or small stuff. It sounds like my house was dirty, but its not.
I decided to get separated. I was packing stuff to move as we had agreed upon stuff I would take, he came home, started raging about how I am taking everything from him, leaving him with debt, and I get off scott free (not true, i get equity in the house less half the debt, and 1/2 the furnishing) he started looking for his gun, I had hid it a couple wks before as he put it under the night stand and one of my kids saw it and I didnt want them to know where the gun was (thier teens). He was in a rage about where his gun was, screaming at me and following me around.I tried to call the police, but during all this stuff, apparently when he grapped my phone it broke. My kids where not home at this time. This is only a few of the incidents that occured. But anyway, reading some of this it sounds abusive, but when he talks to me, he thinks I over react. Like with the kids, he says he is just trying to show them responsibility and show them how to respect someone....ok sounds good....not talking for days he was mad and needed to cool off...ok well i had started trying to leave when he was raging toward the end....the gun, he thought I was trying to take it....ok and so on. So please tell sometimes I think it might sound worse than it was and sometimes I think no it was crazy. Please tell me what you think? Is it abuse and theres not hope or try to change something and work on the marriage. Thanks!!!

Answer
Dear Lisa

I am not a psychologist but it sounds like both you and your husband need some counseling on how to communicate effectively. When people scream at one another it is a sign that they have lost control and are afraid of something. You don't teach kids how to be responsible by screaming at them. I would definitely be concerned about the violence. I think a separation period would be good and some counseling would be better. Good luck.