Expert: Dr.Sunu Sundar - 4/25/2011

Question
QUESTION: Hi, this is my second marriage & its about 2 years now.I am going through a hard time adjusting to my husband's nature although i love him.The first time i met him, he said people find him rude and arrogant.I thought he was being too honest and somehow i took it positively.But very soon realised how wrong i was.He never has control on his words and he says things which he at times admits he did not mean it but said to provoke me. He says things and forgets that he has told such a thing until i remind him what hurt me.He has a habit of making rude remarks and says that is his habit.He is already in his late 30s and nothing will change.

Here are some of the issues which afflicted me in this marriage:
1.My father and i had planned to buy a property in my name.
I had expressed about this to him and his family on our very first phone call.He said he is thumbs up for it as it is an asset.
When me and my family personally went to see and fix up our wedding,my people had again asked if they have any objection as i will be paying for the loan for 15 years. They said they have no objections.But few days later, he started saying that he does not approve of my loan, as he was not aware that my father's name was also on the property, hence the property will not be considered as solely mine, it will be considered as my maternal asset in which their ego would not permit to reside there.My retired parents later moved to from city to village to manage the loan amount and that affected me more.It was my hometown and i can never visit my very home as my parents had relocated.I was very attached to that city.

I felt very bad that my husband and his family did not keep his word and my parents have moved from there. Then on, i have started feeling resentments and often is a topic of conflict.


2.He says i never listen to him/obey him.
Due to recession, he lost his job abroad and came back to his home. I was at my parents place then.He meanwhile wanted me to quit my job as well and join him in my married home. I was hesitant in leaving my job until he got one in hand.Later on when he got himself a job, i quit my job and joined him at my married home.But he was not happy with my decision as i did not leave my job when he wanted me to.

3. He is so unpredictable by nature.He misunderstands things and never thinks like a common person would.

4.All he has been pressurizing for the most is for a baby.
He offered me information to check for adoption just after 1 month of my marriage to him. I have been so far hesitant in having a baby now as i am more worried if our relationship would work.We have fights and he gets into a violent expression and i get scared.He just hit me on my hand in anger.He gets some kind of panic/anxiety attacks , i don't know if that is what it is.
He would not allow me to sleep all night until the matter is resolved.It gets difficult for me at work the next day.
Also it affects me mentally as the topic sometimes lasts till 3:30 am 0r 4.

4.He used to use abusive words which has somewhat reduced after telling him repeatedly that i cannot tolerate it.He has also made rude remarks for my parents and later apologised.

5.He has this habit of snatching my mobile phone each time i get a sms even before i could even have a hold of my phone.I simply hate it and respect some room/personal space. He did not share my birthday message as well sent by one of my friends.I later saw it and was angry that he had read my message and had not even told me that i had got a bday wish.When asked, he replied, he decides what is important to be shown to me on my cell.I told him that he can read my messages although i do not personally like the habit.But i told him he could once atleast i have a glance when my phone beeps.He says that if im having a problem, it means that i am hiding something from him, when there was actually nothing.
Inspite of making him understand that i don't like this habit, he does it.

5.Once he had plans of me moving out of my maternal home to a new home after marriage although he was still abroad.He wanted me to check a room for myself on rent.I asked him where the house was and then was not happy of the location.Hence told him that i doubtful if it would be a decent place to live.
He lost his cool and shouted that i must not ask him questions.
I must do what he says as that's how its practised in his family after his father's death.He is the elder son.I was surprised by his thinking and did not like that he does not give me a room for thought and freedom to put forth my view to him.

6.In the beginning of this relationship, i used to expect words of praise from him or may be compliments or atleast to be called sweetly by him.But he said he never believed in all the roly poly things as the lovey dovey talks are only meant to impress girlfriends and not wives.Whereas no matter how disappointed with him in the marriage, i make it a point to gift him things which surprises him and makes him happy.

7.Whenever we have fights at night and are about to sleep,i often refuse to get physically intimate with him because of my mental state.But he does not care and when he feels the fight is resolved for him, we must make out and he pressurises me in the name of having a baby soon.And this turns me off, as i want a baby made out of love and not a mechanical chore just for the hec of it.This again leads to fights although i give up at times.But again it gets difficut when i need to get up early to go to work.

7. He has no discipline about time or health and fitness.
He is very lazy.I have never been successful in changing him.He at times needs to be pushed even for a day's bath and i feel very bad. I too am lazy but not to this extent.He waits for a headmassage at even 10 pm in the night when i return tired from work.His mother too does not seem to have changed his habit.She never even offers to do the massage considering that i just arrived from work.I feel all this as inconsiderate.

8.I can hardly share any of my emotions with him and hardly feel i have a companion.

Mostly it is his rude nature i cant cope up with and he belongs to the conservative thought that a woman must always be submissive to her husband to keep the marriage happy.The same goes with his family.But i don't believe completely in it as i believe even a wife should be understood.

Finally it has come to a stage where i have told him now for the 5th time that i can't cope up with his nature.But i am unable to take that step of break up again although i know our fights are here to stay as some things in his are never going to change.

Please suggest if i must seek a break-up as he is fed up of me not arriving at a firm decision.My brain and heart go in different directions.
Im very concerned now because i have reached the stage when i need to quit my job again to start a new life with him abroad where he currently is.

ANSWER: Respected SGR,

Happy to  read your  elaborate   e-mail.

The vibes of your  e-mail confirms that you are in a critical  and painful scenario.

First and foremost I  discourage  you from quitting your  current  job and moving abroad with him.


I have a few questions for you,in case you want further guidance

1) Does this  relationship platform itself on love  or lust? Explain.

2)What was  motivation behind you  marrying this man?

3) Was he previously married?

4)Will he love you  if you  do not earn money?

5)In case  he  loves you,  is his love based on your beauty, your  personality or your  heart's fertility?


Once you  answer the above  questions I will be able to  guide you if you really  need a  separation.


Have  a nice  day.

Dr.Sunu
www.mindpanchakarma.org

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Hello Dr.Sunu,
Thanks again for your reply.

please see below the answer to your questions:

1) Does this relationship platform itself on love  or lust? Explain.

This relationship platforms itself on love.
I love him when he talks sweetly and smiles,i love him when he laughs from his heart over some funny things he or i may have said.I love him when he (rarely) shows his romantic side emotionally.
I love him when he gets back after a bad fight as though nothing has happened.

I am not that attracted to him physically,may be because he is overweight.I am 56kgs and he is now 90kgs.When i tell him to lose weight, he says men can afford to be fat but not women.

Also, he lies like a rock when on bed,with his arms resting below his head,even if i hug him.He says its a woman who needs to arouse a man and hence i need to make the first move almost always.I expect some cuddling for emotional comfort but he hardly does that on his own unless i pester him. I have had a hard time living up to his physical expectations.

I prefer lights being off during our intimate times but he always needs the lights to be on.He loses interest otherwise.And tells me that if i love lights being off, it means i will not mind being physically groped in dark by any other man.

Ofcourse if i break up from him,i will miss him mentally and physically.His thoughts would always be on my mind and i will not want to get close to any other man in my life especially this being my second marriage.




2)What was  motivation behind you marrying this man?

a.To get rid of my fear of loneliness and have a decent life ahead.

b.His education background met my expectations unlike in my first marriage.I later realised that it's of no significance as he had changed his field and was a beginner in something else and in these two years,this is his 4th job.I have tried to be supportive to him all the while.He recently said he wanted to quit the present job as well.But this time,i told him that he should avoid skipping jobs as financial stability is necessary in expanding as a family.Also it can affect his career.
The reasons for his change of jobs have been-
-Recession (he lost his job he was in after marriage).
-His new job involved long and tedious working hours,which actually meant even staying back at the office overnight giving him barely any sleep/rest.
-His next job,not getting along with his superior for some reasons.
-Current job-Fingers crossed that things go well.

c.Loving family and relatives.

d.He was working abroad then.I thought i could get good opportunities there (but he had lost his job in sometime from then).

e.His good sense of humour.

f.He said that people say he is rude,arrogant but his real friends know him.I ranked him for his honesty and fell for his hard to get attitude.
There was something cute about him and that still is at times.



3) Was he previously married?
  Yes, he got married to me after 5 years of his divorce.


4) Will he love you if you do not earn money?

May be, as he may feel convinced that i am taking care of his family full fledged.

But he tells me he wants me to work to meet our financial needs. I have told him that at no point should he force me to leave his job without my consent and that he should not pressurize or make any negative remarks in case there are alternate ways of managing the situation.



But what i fear is that he is often very reactive during testing times.



i have asked him to cooperate with me as much as possible as i want to be a working woman. Although his mother recently advised me to leave my job.I tried telling her that all these issues are not arising due to me being a working woman.But i wonder if she was convinced.



Currently i take care of all the household and my personal expenses.



He has never agreed on maintaining joint account.He said that either i give him my entire salary and he will manage the finances or we shall continue having seperate accounts as anyway we work and reside in different countries currently.





5)In case  he loves you,  is his love based on your beauty, your  personality or your  heart's fertility?

Heart's fertility perhaps.

Personality i am not sure. As he hardly agrees with my views.

And when i hunt for compliments for beauty or heart, he says he need not praise me like an outsider does to impress me.

He criticises mostly saying that it is criticism what matters in a true relationship so that one can learn from the deficiencies.So, in the intial days of my marriage to him, even when i asked him what he likes about me, he would say -"nothing".

I was quite displeased and also amused by his answer.



His other main problem is that he is the prime decider, be it decision making on issues or even to decide my emotions.He does not know to think for another person's comfort/needs at times.

Answer
Respected SGR,

Your detailed answer make it easy to respond to you promptly.

Your mail tells me you  truly love this man,however I  am  very less sure about  his  love for  you.From your  words,"I have had a hard time living up to his physical expectations." I suspect that his love is body  oriented  than heart  oriented even though it is  a bit early  to state  so. I also  see that your emotional needs are hardly met by your  husband.This  cannot  continue long.This  emotional vacuum in a relationship can manifest as   a chronic   disease in  a  woman(even in man). Moreover it  can divert you to  seeking 'warmth' from other  person(s) in the long run.This is  a natural outlet of mind.Keeping  in mind   al these  natural human mechanisms you will have to contemplate  about  life with and with out a partner.

I suggest you  not to think about having a baby  with this  man for the time being.

I would  like to know about the kind of  job he and you are in to. I would  also like to  know  about  both of your hobbies, likings in dress(what  you wear  and would  like to wear),  eating habits, likes   for  movies etc.

Is he in to watching porn? Is he  compelling  you to  do perverted sexual acts?

Do you  both  make love? or have  sex? or have  intercourse?-How do you  rate it?

Is he committed to   taking  you to   orgasm during  your  love making?

What  is the cause of  his  earlier marriage break?

What is the  reason for your earlier  marriage break?

Does he respect you?Explain how?

Does he love your parents?

Do you love his parents?

Do you have  children in past  marriage?

Does he  have children in past marriage?

What is the cause of your  first  marriage break?

What does he like in you the most according to you?

Once you  answer these  questions I will be able to guide  you   in a forward direction

You may contact me   also through outreach.matters@gmail.com

-Dr.Sunu
www.mindpanchakarma.org