Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 4/22/2011

Question
My ex and i broke up a month ago, he dumped me.  I have tried to leave him several times but he is always apologetic and convinces me to give him another chance.  He is emotionally very abusive, controlling, manipulative, and extremely jealous.  I have saved all of his texts and voicemails as evidence of what our relationship has been like.  I have told him that he is emotionally abusive and tried to help him.  I have a degree in psychology and am currently working on my masters so I kinda know what I am talking about.  This is not my first abusive relationship, but it is my first emotional abuse only relationship.  

After not speaking for a week, he called me today and said he wants to talk civilly, something I've been trying to do for 7 months.  I spoke to him today several times and I had to keep bringing up the insults, accusations, and other things he has said to me.  He wants me to let them go but I feel they need talked about.  He admits that he says those things in anger and that I didn't deserve any of it.

My question is, do I try to work this out or completely walk away?  I honestly don't know what I want because I don't think I can ever trust him to not go back to the way things were and I know I deserve better.  Please help.

Answer
Dear Jennifer,
Your first red flag here is that he does not want to address the issues that are causing the problems in the relationship.  He wants to gloss over them, put them behind and start over.  Lasting change cannot come from a mindset such as this.  In order to change a behavior, there are concrete steps that have to be taken in order to do so.  You have to put feet to your words, you have to move towards finding a solution and then implementing that solution.  

So what if he admits what he has been doing is wrong?  Is he taking steps to deal with his anger, to find the roots of what causes this destructive behavior?  If not, then there is no reason to trust that this will not continue to happen and the cycle of abuse will continue to go around.

In all honesty, I believe you have answered your own question.  You know you deserve to be treated better than this man is treating you.  You also believe that trust, which is the basis of any relationship, cannot be re-established.  Those two points are valid and extremely important to pay attention to.  In light of what you have said, why would you stay in the relationship?  Fixing him is not your responsibility and you should realize that you are not the one to be able to help him.  That is a dual relationship and that never works.  These are his issues and it seems that up until now, he has not seen the importance of changing his behavior.  Can he change, yes; will he change....there is no evidence to support that conclusion.  

Go with the evidence, not with your feelings.  This is not healthy for you or for him.  I would also suggest that you find a competent abuse counselor to help you sort out these feelings and help you understand why you are unable to let go of what is obviously an abusive situation.  Invest in yourself at this point rather than an unhealthy and destructive situation....you will not regret it.

I truly wish you all the best and if there is any further assistance that I can provide, please feel free to contact me again.

Blessings, Kriss Mitchell
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