Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 5/15/2011

Question
my friend Ashley has been going out with this guy gable for like almost a year now. but recently hes been so angry and they fight a lot and cant trust each other. and I'm scared because gable almost beat up me and Ashley's friend frank because she was talking to him on a day when he was really mad. and hes threatened her a lot too. and she says she "loves" him but i know she doesn't. and i don't know how to get it into her head that she needs help. but then something happened the other day and she was crying saying that she wanted to end it but then she said that she IS in a abusive relationship and she wanted to end it but she cant because shes afraid gable will hurt himself. but now they back together and happy as ever and i don't know what to do!! and the other day she called me the b word and was all mad at me and my other friend said the same thing happened to her awhile a go to. gable told Ashley that he doesn't like how I'm mean to him and that he doesn't want to hang with me. i don't know how well I'm explaining all of this. but its bad, really bad. and its even worse because were 14!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! but basically shes denying everything and shes in danger. but i guess she doesn't even count me as a friend anymore so i don't know what to do. :( help me.

Answer
Hi Reena,
Yes, your friend is in an abusive relationship and she is behaving exactly the way most women in her situation react.  They believe the abuser when he says things will change and they won't without help.  Both Ashley and Gable need help.

At this point there isn't much you can do.  Ashley is the only one who can deal with this situation.  When she gets to another point where she wants to leave, you can try to get her to your local women's center to talk with someone who might be able to help her.  If you go to my website  www.livingwellcc.com , go to the library page and download the cycle of domestic violence, she may be able to see the pattern.  It is a very common one, but also very frustrating for those who care about the victim.

If Gable gets physically aggressive, you need to call the police.  Don't be afraid to do that, that is what they are there for.  Gable has learned that he can intimidate women to get his way and that isn't a good lesson to learn.  Ashley needs to get adults involved and you may want to talk with her parents, a teacher or a school counselor to clue them in if you believe they can help.  This is not a good situation, she doesn't have good perspective and needs help.  You can't do a lot, but you can get adults involved if you believe that will help.

Blessings,  Kriss Mitchell