Expert: james52144@earthlink.net - 5/8/2011

Question
Alright, well, I'm 24, and I've been with my fiance Brendon (He's 25) for about 3 years, now, and we've lived together for about a year and a half. He's the most perfect being I've ever seen, and he treats me better than I thought any guy was capable of. He makes me laugh and smile and cry (in the good way, of course), and he amazes me every day. I actually grew up living next door to him, and we constantly argued and disliked each other, but things between him and I were complicated when we got older. I started dating this guy Spencer when I was 17, who Brendon absolutely hated. It turns out Brendon had liked me at the time, but never would have admitted it. I moved in with Spencer when I was 20, and had been going out with him the whole time. Brendon had gotten really angry and warned me that Spencer was wrong for me, but I never listened, because Brendon has always been very opinionated. Pretty soon after I moved in with Spencer, he started abusing me. He was controlling, and isolated me so I thought I needed him. He would hit me and leave bruises and marks all over me, but I was stupid and stuck around, because I thought I needed him.

When I was 21, I got in touch with Brendon again when we both saw each other around Christmas, visiting home. Spencer didn't come with me, and I spent a lot of time alone with Brendon, catching up on everything. He was furious that I was still with Spencer, and noticed the bruises all over me, but I denied anything he said about it (he spent 98% of this time telling me not to go back to Spencer). I realized during that time with him that I had been in love with him for years, but I went home to Spencer, anyway. About a month later, Spencer and I got into a huge argument that ended in him pushing me down the stairs and kicking me in the face. Well it just so happens that Brendon showed up at our door during the fight, heard him screaming at me and me falling down the stairs, and let himself in to stop Spencer. I'm still not sure what happened because I passed out after Spencer broke my nose. I just know that I woke up in a hospital with Brendon there, telling me he wanted to "be there when I woke up so I wasn't confused or scared," and I fell in love with him all over again. I can never show him how appreciative I am of him and what he did for me; he's never once raised his voice at me, or gotten annoyed, and I would trust him with my life. If he hadn't saved me that day, I don't know what would have happened to me...

So now we're planning our wedding, and for some reason, I've been almost avoiding the planning at times. Brendon got upset and asked me, "Why don't you want to marry me, Raina?" I started crying, and I told him that I did, and I was just afraid to be so in love, because I had loved Spencer and been hurt so badly. He held me and told me he would never hurt me like that, and I've been better since we had a long talk about everything. It's just that I sometimes feel like he's way too good for me, because he basically saved my life, and I can never do enough to show him how much I love and appreciate him. I do lots of little things for him every day, just to show him how much I love him, and he tells me to just relax, even though he thinks it's sweet of me to do. I just feel like he's so incredible that I don't deserve him, but I can't live without him, so I try to do anything I can to show my appreciation for him. I've told him this, and he's really concerned about it, and he thinks I should talk to a counselor or something. Is there something wrong with what I do? What's wrong with me? I just like doing things for him because I love him more than he can ever know. How else can I show my appreciation and love for him?

Answer
Dear Raina

There is nothing wrong with you and what you are doing. You experienced some pretty horrendous trauma with your last boyfriend and it will take some time to rebuild your trust and comfort levels around a man. If you don't want to get married right now, there is nothing wrong with that either. You do deserve him, so just relax. That doesn't mean that you have to do what this guy tells you, you have to feel good about it. Marriage is a very big commitment and it isn't surprising that you are having mixed emotions about it at this time considering what you went through. Tell Brendon to have patience and everything will turn out okay. If he is the Prince you say he is, he will understand. Good luck.