Expert: Eugenia Springer, Ph.D. - 5/21/2011

Question
I am in a relationship with a woman that I have met one month ago via email and eventually meeting in just a few days. We have very strong emotional connection and are what I feel in love. My behavior towards women started yrs ago . I don't believe anything they say when mentioning that they are going somewhere just out of the blue . I can't trust anyone really. I see things they may or may not be doing and it tortures me internally as I am thinking it. I feel like I must make sure weather I am right or not. I have to get my answer. I push and push and get frustrated when I here things that to me don't make any sense. I never get physical but do get very angry. I moved some of my things in and we have been living together for a couple weeks. I am constantly looking for things that could be out of place or that might lead me to think she is dishonest. I find little things that I turn into bigger ones. I decided to leave and told her it was because I feel like I will never trust her and gave her a bunch of excuses as to why. I wanted to stop myself but couldn't . I felt good about it but couldn't figure out why. Then I got to my own home and felt like the biggest piece of shnizzle for what I did. But in the back of my head I still see the things I saw. How can I stop myself from sabotaging all that I hold dear to me?

Answer
James,

My apologies for taking so long to respond.  I saw your e-mail when it was sent, but could get to it only now.  I do hope my response, which follows, helps.

Your honesty with yourself is commendable.  You said, "I wanted to stop myself, but couldn't".  This tells me that you, at some level, were aware that you were crossing boundaries.  

Then you said, "I felt good about it but couldn't figure out why."  

Somewhere in this puzzling behavior, you were extracting some deep satisfaction.  You were momentarily feeling like a winner; like you still had some power.

When you got home you felt  -- what -- ashamed of your behavior?  Your evaluation of your behavior against what you know it should have been, left you feeling worthless? Disappointed in yourself?

What happened in your early years, James?  Who habitually betrayed your trust?  Who made you feel powerless, and worthless, like your feelings did not matter? And how did you deal with these episodes?

Think, think.  Go back to where mistrust was planted.  Go back to when you saw situations as they were.  What happened to cloud your vision; to tint the lenses through which you view reality.

One author has said that our self-esteem constitute the lenses through which we view reality.  You don't feel good about yourself; you don't see situations clearly, as they are.

Time to come home to yourself, James.  You are carrying around in your head, unresolved issues of trust, issues that have nothing to do with the people you meet now, but when you feel attracted to a person, your mind pulls that person into the drama in your memory and like this woman, that person in your present relationship gets hammered for causing you pain.  But this woman has nothing to do with your pain.

If you want my honest suggestion, I would say, stay away from relationships for now and invest this time in therapy.  Go to a counselor or psychotherapist and explore your past relationships so you could identify the source of your mistrust and work on releasing that person, or those persons from blame.  Become aware that you have been projecting problems with persons in your past onto persons in your present.

Most of us have had gut wrenching work to do with our self esteem because of the mistakes of  people in our past.  They were just like you and me, not perfect.  Think of them as compassionately as you would like to have others think about you.

If you want to be free to trust again and have people in your life feel free and joyful in your company, you would have to release people  in your past from blame and resentment.

See my website, http://www.releasingresentmenttips.com  There's an audiocourse offered on my site, for letting go of stuff.  I suggest you purchase this course and get help in letting go of whatever it is you are holding on to.  I also offer a free series of lessons that can help you.  

If alone, with the courses, you find you still need help, do get to a psychotherapist,and get help in understanding how your thinking should change to accommodate a more self-satisfying mode of behavior.

The problem is not with the woman.  Right now it is not even with the persons from your past.  It has become your problem.  It is within you.  And must be fixed within you.  Luckily, all of us have an Inner Guide that convicts and guides.  Trust your Inner Guide.

E.S.