Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 5/1/2011

Question
My husband and I have been married for one year.  He is a wonderful person and our relationship is good-however I want to improve on what we have.  I have a tendency to get easily upset and he responds with the silent treatment and witholding affection.  I usually recognize that I've overreacted quickly and apologize for my behavior.  After I apologize, he gives me the silent treatment, and it feels as if he's trying to punish me for days.  Also, he refuses to show me any affection, and ignores me completely if I cry.  He frequently will leave me in bed alone and go sleep on the couch after a disagreement.  What can I do to make things better?  Thank you!

Answer
Hi Ella,
Although removing love is a pretty common way for people to respond to conflict, it is not a healthy one.  You have an unhealthy pattern going on in your relationship but you only have control over half of it.  Your over-reaction and tendency to get upset easily are situations that you have control over and can change.

The response that you exhibit to conflict comes in response to an emotional trigger that has been hit.  One thing you can do is to pay attention to those feelings that precipitate the feeling of being upset and identify what they are.  It may be a tone of voice, a facial expression or words that are said which bring on the reaction, but the problem is not the trigger, it is the wound in you which gets poked by those specific triggers.  Pay attention to the feeling....is it fear?  Does the trigger make you feel disrespected or dishonored?  Not heard?  Any of these emotions could bring on a quick response in defense.  The next thing is to identify where you first felt those feelings and what was happening.  What was the situation?  What did your heart believe about the situation or about yourself because of the situation?  If that belief system has not been resolved, then whenever something comes along that feels like or resembles that situation, there will be a reaction.  You may need a third party like a counselor to help you identify these triggers if you can't identify them yourself.  

With regard to your husband, his response is not healthy, but it is also a defense mechanism that he has learned to apply when he is hurt.  It isn't a healthy one, but it is an effective one because no human being can exist well without love and acceptance.  When parents withhold love, their children will do anything to re-establish that relationship and from what it sounds like, it works pretty well on you as well.  You can't do anything about his responses.  He has to choose to work on his own issues and find healthier ways to deal with conflict.  

At this point I would recommend marriage counseling for both of you.  It is not too late to change these patterns and the destruction has not gotten to the point where your relationship is too damaged to repair.  However, if this continues, there will be.  I applaud you for reaching out at this point to find an answer.  However it is very important to understand that you alone will be unable to change the patterns in the relationship.  By changing your reactions you may reduce the triggers which cause your husband to withdraw, but that will not deal with the underlying problem.  You both need to learn better conflict resolution skills and deal with the hurts and wounds in your life which cause these responses on both sides.  

Thank you for your question and if I can be of any further assistance, please feel free to contact me again.

Blessings,  Kriss Mitchell
www.livingwellcc.com