Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 6/20/2011

Question
It did not take to long before he began to state: "you need to lose weight" "I dated pretty topless dancers" " The strippers and topless dancers I lived with were pretty, but you have a heart"  You are plain, but thats a good thing"  "You have bags under you eyes because you are not with me"  "If you stay with me you will look young all the time and have no stress on your face"  
"You stupid bitch" "You stupid cunt"  " You never cared for me, shove it up your ass"  
I asked him if he could find one thing about me that was pretty, and he said my dress.  He points out my tired stressed face because he is "concerned."
    I guess I can answer this but need validation.  I am feeling so ugly and beginning to get depressed and not feel good about my looks at all.
 Is this guy worth staying around, even when he apologizes and says "when I hurt you I hurt myself"
Thanks

Answer
Hi Hilary,
When a relationship produces more death than life, it is not worth hanging on to.  This man is inappropriate at the least as well as insensitive and verbally abusive.  You are not feeling better about yourself because of being with him, you are feeling worse.  That should answer the question.  

What does it actually mean...when I hurt you, I hurt myself?  Anyone who would hurt themselves over and over is mentally ill.  They put people on medication for hurting themselves.  So, he either is mentally ill or he's lying when he says that.  My guess is the latter.  

In answer to your question, no...this guy is not worth staying around.  Every abuser apologies, but unless there is concrete evidence and strategic steps being taken to change the abusive behavior, he isn't going to change and he is just stringing you along with the apologies.  If he was truly repentant, this would not be happening over and over, he would apologize and it would never happen again.

There is something seriously wrong with this individual and you are under no obligation to fix him or even stick around to help him improve his behavior.  This is dishonoring and disrespectful.  No one should be spoken to or treated in such a manner.

I hope that you move on soon and find a person who will treat you with the honor that you deserve.

Blessings, Kriss Mitchell
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