Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 6/13/2011

Question
I dated this same man I am going to talk about, for 6 years before, and he drank too much and was into gambling.  He was emotionally abusive to me and everyone could see it but me.  I eventually ended the relationship.  That was 8 or 9 years ago.  He has since stopped drinking, smoking and gambling.  We came back in contact about a year and a half ago and after talking for several months, I asked him to move from a midwest state to a southern state with me. We were both experiencing bad times and wanted to see how a new relationship would work.  It was great in the beginning.  He helped me with my house.  We sat and had long interesting talks and he seemed to be a different person, that I really liked.  I had never stopped loving him, but I was not in love with him.  We have been together now for over a year.  He has this problem with being interrupted.  If you interrupt him, he absolutely goes ballistic!!!  After he has told you how stupid you are, he may even walk away and refuse to talk to you.  He is going through a rough time, in that, he is far away from his two boys. One who is 21 and doing fairly well on his own and the other who is 6, and was born out of wedlock.  He says he cannot communicate with the little boy's mother.  He is a very strong minded individual and I find this very interesting.  He also went for 9 months before he could find a job here.  He has depression and anxiety problems for which he takes prescription medication.  He cannot go very long before everything is my fault, cursing and calling me stupid, dumb etc. He constantly yells at me when he is upset. I end up in tears and he says I am all about drama.  I do not think he knows how to be close to someone.  He is a child of divorce and still at age 52 talks about what his parents did not do for him.  He is living in my home, I am cooking for him, doing his wash and trying to be a loving and understanding girlfriend.  He sometimes says he is sorry, but it does not last.  He was going to move back to the midwest and wanted me to come, but when I asked him to give me a commitment that he would stay with me if I moved back with him, he got all upset and said he could not guarantee anything.  I have a 95 year old Mother I would have to move also. I told him I was afraid that I would move and he would decide he didn't like something I did and leave me.  He got mad and said there are guarantees in life and he could not make that commitment.  Last night he called me a liar and I told him to get out.  He screamed even louder and said if I threw him out he would call all of my creditors and I didn't not stay to listen anymore. I feel like I am a prisoner in my house.  Everything is about him.  We have not had any intimacy, because I told him I had been raped during the years we were apart and had to have surgery.  I can still be intimate, but there are certain things that must lead up to the intimacy.  He keeps telling me I lied to him because I didn't tell him and he will not get close with me until we both go to a gynecologist and see what he/she have to say.  I have already been and told him basically we must have alot of foreplay, but he just holds it over my head. He can be the nicest person in the world and turn mean and nasty on a dime.  If this could be clinically based, I would like for him to get some help, but if it continues I don't know what to do.

Answer
Hi Deb,
I am sorry to hear that you are going through such difficulties.  However, with all that you said, you are basing your premis about what to do with your life on what someone else might do in the future and I have a hard time endorsing that kind of planning.

You have two separate histories with him at this point and neither are good.  In all this time he has not sought help for his issues so there doesn't seem to be any evidence that he is willing to do so in the future.  At this point Deb, it is about what you want and the quality of life that you would like to maintain for yourself.  You also have an elderly mother to consider.  

In regard to being clinically based, he would need to make an appointment with a psychologist and go through some testing to determine what is going on with him.  Depression and anxiety go together, but it is always recommended to include counseling in any treatment plan and not just rely on medication alone.  If he is still demonstrating this abusive behavior even with the help of medication, his doctor may need to make some changes to the dosage or perhaps change medications if that is deemed warranted.  If his doctor believes this is unwarranted, then that will tell you that this may not be helped through medication.

If he is unwilling to commit to you, you have two choices:  stay and take the chance that there will be changes made based on whatever evidence that you have or leave and improve your quality of life and be able to make your own decisions.  Having a man in your life is not worth giving up your self esteem and who you are as a person.

Please read some of the articles on my blog at www.livingwellcc.blogspot.com.  The information there may be of help to you in making your decisions.  I wish you all the best and if I can be of any further assistance, please feel free to contact me again.

Blessings, Kriss Mitchell
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