Expert: Dr.Sunu Sundar - 6/29/2011

Question
Hi,

I am 28 years old and my husband is 32. We are now married 3 years and known each other for four years.  We have a 16 month old son. Ours was an arranged marriage. We had one year between our parents deciding on our marriage and the actual date of marriage. Even the first year we knew each other, he was not too eager to visit me or spend time with me. We always got into arguments for that. Soon after our wedding ( one month after) we got into an argument. He slapped me across the face. I tried to get out of the room and call my sister over the phone. I started screaming. Then he followed me into the bathroom and wouldn’t stop beating me. He tried to grab the phone from me. But I wouldn’t give it to him and the struggle went on. Someone heard us and called the cops. I told them that nothing happened and they left. I tried to get the help of my in-laws. They seemed to be supportive of me, but nothing helped. I realize I used to nag him and expect him to do be a good husband to me. I started most of the arguments. But he would not even respond to my arguments. When he needs something from me, he would be nice to me. The next moment he would go abt his work and ignore me. He expects me to be there when he needs me, but not the other way round. He beat me around 4 to 5 times till now. It would mostly results in mild scars and body aches. He will never accept that he beat me. He says I am lying. I slapped him across the face once bcos he had twisted my arm the day before. When we had to speak abt it, I slapped him, but then said sorry. There are also two other times when I hit him. I brought down a book on him one day, bcos he used to call me a lot of ugly names. And then when I was pregnant 6 months, he hit me, so I hit him back once. Then it all stopped. But he started spitting on me every time we had an argument instead of hitting me. He called me ugly, fat, etc even when we had an argument abt something else, right from month one after our marriage. I left him for 10 months after the baby came. Then everyone convinced me to give it another shot. We tried counseling, but he doesn’t want me to tell any of the past things to the counselor. Says I am always talking about the past. I am not able to get over all those insults he has given me.  Two months after I returned, he was ok. I came back with my in-laws and my mother which is a bad choice, but my parents did not want to risk it with the baby and his parents wanted to see if I’m the one torturing him.
Now its three months since we staying together and he provoked me the other day saying that if I say I am going to the police once more, see what will happen. I made the statement that I will, and he got up to come towards me fast. I called the cops and they came and did not let him in the house that night. I apologized to him saying that I got afraid and called the police. I wanted to live with him happily for the sake of the baby. So I said I made a mistake by calling the cops just like he made a mistake by beating me. He and his parents now say that he never beat me and I am one who beat him every time.
I do not know if he loves me bcos he doesn’t express his feelings most of the time. Whenever I tried to speak abt this calmly in the past, he would just ignore me or shrug it off and change the topic.
The last month, I tried to keep my mouth shut for two weeks. The third week he told ‘ if you could be like this forever, we will be happy; just be like this’ I responded with an argument, bcos I know it is not possible to keep shut forever.
Did I do something wrong? Was it my fault? Should I have been a little more calm and adjusted? I know slapping him back was wrong, but I couldn’t take the humiliation.

Answer
Dear  Young Lady,

Greetings and peace to you.

If I say  you should have been calm and have  adjusted, the   question is how long are you going to 'endure' such  kind of married life?

Both have  committed  mistakes however you need to think in-depth if your life is  suited for each other.

He has to change by all means otherwise an 'adjusting',  'torture enduring' wife alone  can live  with him.

You have to  change from being a  nagging  wife too.

Prayer life is important.Every day  prayers in a  secluded room is  a must for your life to  change.

I can  guide you further  only if you write to me  in detail about your  cultural and   social back ground along  with your(both) educational credentials.

You may contact me at  outreach.matters@gmail.com

Dr.Sunu
www.mindpanchakarma.org