Expert: Azure - 6/5/2011

Question
I am writing in hopes of finding some answers for my mother.  I appreciate any advice you may have for her.

My mother is in her early 50's and has been married almost 2 years.  She has never been married before.  She has known her husband for 10+ years.   
Her husband has had drug problems in the past (heroin at his worst) and now claims to be clean.  
My mother has been clean since around 1980 and leads a normal, functional life.

After they were married she noticed some odd behaviors and has often considered that he may still be doing drugs.  However, they go to marriage counseling and he denies it.

I have also witnessed some odd behavior (excessive sweating for no real reason, constant complaining about aches and pains down to compaining about little pimples, odd spending habits, etc).  After we spoke about him acting strange she decided to check his phone.   She found 3 weeks worth of calls to his ex-girlfriend who is an obvious drug addict.  

I, her daughter, live only a couple houses from her husbands son and speak with him frequently.  His son has mentioned that her husband has driven him places and been over to visit when he is supposidly at work.   The days of at least one of the phone calls to his ex is also a day he was not at work when he was supposed to be -- he was giving his son a ride at least some of that day.

The huge problem here is that if he is in fact on drugs and/or cheating, my mom will leave him and be in a lot of trouble financially.  She currently only cleans a couple of houses for some spending money, while he covers the rent and utilities.

My questions are these;
Is it ever okay to be in contact with an ex and not inform your partner?   

If in counseling he is leaving out huge important issues like speaking with an ex, can there ever be any resolution given all the facts arent presented?

The rent is paid until the 1st of next month and if she confronts him she knows he will stop paying all bills.  If she decides to leave, what do you suggest her course of action be?

Her husband has always made a huge deal about how awful cheating is.  Even I am aware of his feelings on this.  So if he is capable of lying about something he claims to feel so strongly about, is there a really good chance he is lying about other serious things?  My concern was physical violence because he also always has said he would never hit a woman.   I dont think my mother is worried about this, this is more my concern.

And finally,  from what you've heard, is this a situation where she should pack up and leave and deal with the details later?


Thanks so much for reading,
Kate

Answer
1. yes, harmless, friendly communication need not be "reported"..2.counseling a waste of time if both parties aren't totally honest about all RELEVANT factors..3.before she leaves, she should have a plan as to meeting her life obligations, maybe consult an attorney or a social services person..4.humans are capable of most anything, given the right mindset..he could be lying about 10 things...only HE knows..5. hard to say..i'd need to communicate directly with her..if she's unhappy, doesn't trust him, and there's more lost than gained, she's with the wrong person..