Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 6/27/2011

Question
I am not sure what the problem is to be honest. However, I can tell you some details of our relationship and hopefully you can help me to understand what is going on in our relationship. My girlfriend and I have been dating for almost 3 years now. We had our daughter, Madison, 6 months ago. The pregnancy was not planned as she stopped taking her birth control in order to “trap” me. I ended up selling my 2 seater truck, mainly for the car seat problem, and bought a beater,  and moved out of my parents house in order to move her into an apartment with me, she was also living with her parents. I also sold my motorcycle because she needed health insurance and it didn’t seem like a practical vehicle for a father with a young child. It may seem like I recent her for it, but I don’t I know it had to be done and I would do it again. Now we have always bickered before, but now that we are parents I feel like it is more important to be good parents and put our petty problems aside. It just seems like the petty problems from before are affecting me more now that I am responsible for another human. I refuse to raise my child in the environments we were both raised in, “warzone”. The problem is, I don’t know how to make her understand that. She is constantly causing fights by constantly complaining about everything, problems that I can’t fix, like the car, or taking care of Madison. And when I try and talk to her she gets defensive and starts yelling and calling me names, which really bothers me when she does it in front of Madison. Yesterday it took a new toll, she started screaming and yelling and calling me names, she was slamming doors and ended up storming out of the house with my daughter. This is not the first time this has happened. I just feel like I can’t make her happy, or that I never did. Should I just move out of the apartment in order to avoid the continued fighting, or should I continue to give her chances and hope that this time she will change?

Answer
Hi Evan,
I think that your intentions to raise your daughter in a peaceful environment are noble and good.  Children should not grow up around constant fighting as it traumatizes them over time.  I'm sorry that you and your girlfriend are not getting along.  In all reality, when children come along, they don't bring peace because there are so many things to take care of, so many adjustments to make etc.  It's important to have a good relationship before you have children so you can get through those things.

My first thought would be to suggest getting to a doctor to see if there is a medical reason for her issues.  Many women suffer post partum depression after the birth of a child which depresses their mood and causes life to feel very overwhelming.  She probably isn't getting a lot of sleep, which compounds the problem.  Unbalanced hormones can make life very difficult.  The more you can relieve her, perhaps getting up with Madison every other time she needs care in the night, giving her a night off once a week while you take care of Madison.

I would also suggest that the two of you get some couples counseling.  If you both have grown up in "war zones" then you don't have real successful models to draw from when you are looking at solving problems with one another.  Getting a different perspective, additional communication tools etc would be helpful.

As far as communication is concerned, you might try a technique called active listening.  When she asks you to do something, or if she is trying to tell you something, stop and paraphrase back to her what you thought she said.  For example, if she says...I'm tired and I need a break.  You might say, what I'm hearing you say is that you've had a rough day and need a some time alone.  Is that correct?  If she says yes, then you can begin to explore with her the ways that you both can make that happen.  

You didn't mention how old you both are, but finding an older couple who might mentor the both of you as you raise your daughter is helpful.  The younger you are, when you introduce children...life becomes more complicated because you aren't equipped well enough to deal with the stress and struggle.  Barring any kind of mental illness like bi-polar or borderline personality disorder, she sounds very overwhelmed and is needing some very real help.  You said that she "trapped" you.  Well there is an old saying that goes, be careful what you wish for...you just might get it.  Many young men and women don't understand the responsibility and stress of caring for a child and when it comes along, they don't know how to deal with it.  It sounds like that is where you both are.  

In regard to your question about moving out, you need to decide whether that will be a long term solution or just a short term problem solver.  My sense is that it will solve problems in the short term, but the problems that you both are having will not be solved by moving out unless you want to dissolve the relationship.  You need a third party to help the both of you figure out what to do and to help you learn additional problem solving techniques to improve your present situation.  If you could solve them by yourself, you would have already.

Please find a good counselor, a professional one or a pastoral counselor, whichever fits you both.  If I can be of any further assistance, please feel free to contact me.

Blessings, Kriss Mitchell