Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 7/7/2011

Question
I am inquiring about an emotionally abusive relationship my daughter is suffering from with her boyfriend. This boyfriend has had a felony for assault, was a ex drug user, never amounted to a thing in life and still living with parents at 32 but she loves him. I am concerned about her because she lives in NC and he in NY where she used to live and he controls her all the time every night when he calls and makes her cry. He doesn't like her going out, meeting other people, the list goes on an on. Why she feels that she has to put up with this crap is beyond me. She suffers from OCD and ADD and I was wondering if people that have OCD are obsessed enough that they can't break the pattern even though they know the relationship is not good for them. She continues to see the same type of men but in differentt bodies. The defnition of insanity is repeating the same mistakes over and over and expecting different results and she is a classic case of this. What should I do since she is living with me and driving me crazy.

Answer
Hi Kate,
Watching someone we care about who is involved with an abuser is very, very difficult.  In answer to your question, this has less to do with OCD or ADD than it has to do with the cycle of abuse. This is a very common cycle with women in abusive relationships. What you are witnessing is the cycle and it has everything to do with how she sees herself and her level of self worth.  Because she has a pattern of choosing abusive men, it says that she believes she deserves to be treated that way.  Individuals who have high levels of self worth usually don't stay in abusive situations.

Although you probably won't be able to convince her to leave the individual, what you can do is ask her to talk with a counselor to help her break the pattern of abuse. You will need to look for a counselor who specializes in abuse and understands the dynamics of an abusive relationship.  It is important for you to keep the lines of communication open with her.  She will need support should she be able to decide to get out of the situation.  Because your daughter is an adult, you can't force her to do anything.  The only thing you can encourage her to do is get healing for the way she sees herself.  If she can do that, she will leave.

I'm sorry to hear that she is being treated so badly and I can only imagine the strain that it has been on you.  If I can of any further assistance, please feel free to contact me again.  I would refer you to my blog located at www.livingwellcc.blogspot.com.  There is much information there about abusive relationships that you may be able to use or to allow your daughter to read.

Blessings,  Kriss Mitchell
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