Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 7/1/2011

Question
My girlfriend and I started dating over a year ago. We became very close very fast. We fell in love quickly and have not spent a day without talking. We were always with each other, being mutually supportive. I felt we were closer than any other couple. We have a lot in common, but our personality and how we deal with things are very different. We are on the polar ends as regards to locus of control. I have a very internal locus - her's external. I deal everything with reason and logic, she makes her decision and comments based on emotions.

The problem arises in that she is an emotional rollercoaster and how she expresses herself. Whenever she is slightly in a bad mood, she talks with an attitude. In the beginning months I was as patient as anyone can be. I sat and listened to her go on with everything wrong for hours into the early morning, sometimes even multiple times a week. She says things she doesn't mean, and sometimes vents her anger or sadness on me. This could happen for one minute or for hours. As each month or even week went by, my patience slowly declined, and my efforts to cheer her up were less effective. We began fighting after month 2. Fighting more and more, weekly, bi-weekly. I grew worse and worse. I started fighting back, fighting worse than her, fighting insanely. My threshold shortened after every big fight, and my temper grew. It was a very gradual process. I have never harmed her physically, but I became a ragaholic, and I sometimes even hurt myself in rage.

I am a completely different person than I ever was or ever thought I would be. We fight so often that we've also broken up many times. Each time she tells me she will change. But she has never changed. I don't know if it's something that can be changed. She will talk to me abusively over any little thing, and her emotions as well as pride wouldn't let her realize it. Later, she would sometimes apologize and revert to being the sweetest girl ever. She seems like two different people. Being the logical and goal driven one, I have tried countless things but nothing has worked. I also am a serious nut job myself now. The degree of rage our fights can cause me scares myself. Outside of the relationship I am rarely ever mad. I never fight with others, and I am really easy going. Can she change? Can I change? Can we ever work out in the future?

Answer
Hi Arthur,
Please forgive the delay in answering this...there was something wrong with the website's system and I didn't get notification of your question until today.  I hope this has not been an inconvenience for you.

In answer to your question, there may be several things going on here.  First of all, in looking at the pace of your relationship, it is not uncommon to hear this kind of thing coming from a fast paced relationship.  It takes some time to be able to figure out if two people are a good fit for each other and it is much easier when emotions are not involved.  You both still need to figure that out, but at this stage there is so much more at stake.  It doesn't sound as though you have a good effect on each other which will be very detrimental to your feelings about each other going forward.  

As far as the internal and external locus is concerned, that is quite normal for males and females.  Females process verbally and males process internally.  When you come together in a relationship there has to be some give and take with that as you forge your relationship with each other.  

The thing that concerns me is the level of anger between the two of you.  This is serious business and if it can't be brought under control, this may be the red flag that says you aren't a good fit for each other.  The one thing that you both may look at is that if her moods cycle to a great degree, she might make an appt with her medical doctor to be checked out for bi-polar disorder.  If there is indication of this, it can easily be treated with medication and can help make relationships so much better.  Of course I can't diagnose it from a medium like this, but I pass on the information just as an option to be checked.  

The last thing I would recommend to both of you is counseling.  A counselor can help you with communication tools to help resolve issues between you that you may not have now.  In answer to your question, people can always change, but they can only change behavior.  Character, personality and values are long term traits that make a person who they are.  If what needs to be changed lies within these areas, it is better to understand that the two people are not a good fit because if you need to change a person into another person to be happy with them, then you need to find that other person and have a relationship with them.

I hope this has answered your question and again, please forgive me for the length of time it has taken to answer your question.  Every system has quirks and it does happen from time to time.  I sincerely hope that you and your partner are able to find a good solution to your problems and if I can be of any further assistance, please feel free to contact me again.

Blessings,  Kriss Mitchell
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