Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 7/9/2011

Question
HOw do I get my husband of twenty years to get help for his bipolar/sociopathic/abusive and controlling behavior?

He refuses to go to the doctor to get help- he even admits he is getting worse and that he actually enjoys it.  It is putting me ove the edge.  He tells me everyday that he can't wait for eveyone to die so he can "have his life back and do what he wants" He grew up in a violent, drug abusing -alchoholic bi-polar and mentally insane environment with all his relatives being metnally ill and very violent and unstable.  He used to drink very very heavily and he has tried to choke me to death and throw me down the stairs more times than I can remember.  Most people call me stupid for staying - but I have NO CHOICE. I have three animals that need me to protect them from him. I have a chronic- life long disease and I cannot work due to it.  He has taken all my money- ruined my credit and manipulated me into cosigning a car loan for him- (his credit was too bad and they wouldn't give him a car- and no car- no work- = no money= homeless !!  I am totally dependant on the person who hates me and wants me to die.  If I leave- he will kill my animals or "get rid of them" as he says...and I can't imagine a life without them.  I have no choice and he mentally degrades me and says the most horrible -mean - awful things you could ever say to a person.  He abuses me in every way-shape and form and I have to take it - and he knows this- so he pours it on - hoping I will break and kill myself so he will be rid of me.  He is a male version of Casey Anthony.  He has no remorse- no feelings- no ability to care- all he cares about is money and people who give him money.  If you give him $- he will tell you he love you to get more money.  He told me the only reason he married me was to get more money (BAS from the military) and con me into paying all his bills.  HE was only 23 and was in debt by 50 grand..of course I didn't know that until after we married.  He controls everything in my life and checks my email- facebook -everything- he won;t let me have friends and won't move me back to my family.  

How can I convince him to get help ?

I just want my old husband back.

Answer
Dear Julie,
You can't convince a person like this to get help.  They either desire a better life or they don't and evidently he doesn't.  You have to leave or he will kill you or hurt you to the point where you are worse off than you are now.  In regard to your animals, check with the local shelters and see if they have a program to take in animals of owners in domestic violence situations.  

When people say they have no choice, that usually is not the case.  There are always choices, it is whether we want to make those choices or not.  Have you called the police when he is physically violent?  Are you willing to press charges against him and have him put in jail? Are you willing to speak with an attorney and see what your rights are if you divorce him?  Are you receiving disability?  If you aren't, are you willing to look into that so you have some finances coming in?  Have you applied to medicaid, looked in to low income housing.  If you are disabled, have you looked into what the laws are regarding abuse of the disabled and what you can do to make it stop?  Are you willing to document his abuse long term in order to provide evidence against him in a court case?  In most states, there is a women's center or a domestic violence shelter which will provide safe placement, counseling and court advocacy at little to no charge.  There are options open to you if you are willing to talk to the right people.  You may have to be very careful in order to do it, but perhaps you have friends who would be willing to talk to these people for you.  You have to speak with the experts who have the information you need and then you can make quality decisions.

You can't force him to do anything, but you have control over everything in your life and you can change the way you see yourself, see your situation and you can make any decision you believe is necessary to make your life better.  The first one should be talking to an attorney to find out your legal rights in a situation like this.

I'm sorry to be so blunt, but this is the truth.  Over the years you have fallen victim to what is called learned helplessness.  If you can get counseling for yourself, you will be able to make the changes in your own life that will enable you to make the decisions you need to make to change the situation you are in.

If I can be of any further assistance, please feel free to contact me.  I am so sorry to hear of your situation.  It is very difficult and very hard, but you have more control than you think.

Blessings, Kriss Mitchell
www.livingwellcc.blogspot.com