Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 7/8/2011

Question
My current person that I am seeing and now not seeing is a victim of a past mentally abusive relationship.  I have printed out and read a lot of articles on this forum and from what she tells me the pattern of abuse that she dealt with for 3.5 plus years is the same that most have.  Constantly her fault, abandoning friends, never being allowed to be herself, continually going back to him for the good times and eventually the bad times took over.  Two articles that I have read on here hit really close to what she describes: from Hilary from 1/27/04 titled "Mental Abuse?"; and one on 4/8/10 from the expert Tracey-Ann Powell titled "breaking up/getting back together"

On to my situation.  The lady I am seeing, we will call her "Leaya", was in an abusive relationship for 3.5 years. She broke up with him for the last time about 7 months ago and we started seeing each other about 3 months ago.  The relationship was going GREAT and smooth.  Things were trucking along and she had blocked her ex from all the social media and texting.  She was healing and I could see a change.  After a few months, since they run in the same circle, she unblocked him and he started with his ways of I love you and I miss you and everything else.  She started to withdraw again, but continued talking to him.  I know that she has no desire to see him again other than in passing, but she is such a sweet person that she can not be mean to him all the time.  I know that nothing is going on between them and we are completely open with each other. Trust is 100%.

Our "break up" started about a month ago when little things I did started to remind her of her ex, and she saw it as controlling.  she started to withdraw even more from me.  The final straw so to speak was when I was unclear of the start time of an event and I thought she was blowing me off for a friend.  I honestly did not care if it would have happened, but I wanted more communication about what was happening throughout the day.  That is one of the things she took as me being controlling and she called it quits as far a a relationship.

We are now and have never not been good friends. Besides me owning my problems and knowing that I scarred her a few times, she admits to me that she is just not ready to deal with what it takes to be in a committed relationship. She is 1), not over her ex to the point that she places him in my shoes from time to time when we are out enjoying each others company and wonders what it would be like if he were there. 2)sees everything I ask at times as me trying to control what she is doing, seeing, or thinking about.

I want this lady in my life and I do love her, but I need to know what I can do to help her, if there is anything.  We still see each other every day and talk all the time on the phone/text/facebook.  I have offered her my undying friendship because I can see what a great person she is.  She beams with joy until she thinks that she is put in a corner.  That said I am willing to wait and help her get better within her mind before we even think about stepping into a relationship again.  My ultimate goal is for us to have a relationship together again, but I would truly be happy if she is happy and not thinking about what happened in the past. I think at that point she might be able to look at a relationship without being scared.

Any advice on what to read, where to look, or general direction to take with this dilemma is greatly appreciated.  I want to help herself break away from the "gloom" that she is letting incase her wonderful personality.

Thanks,
Dean in OR

Answer
Hi Dean,
Often, when people are sweet and to a great extent don't want to see themselves as "mean", what they do is create a problem in order to leave a relationship.  They are unable to just come right out and say what needs to be said, so if a problem is created then it makes it easier to leave.  That is probably what has happened here.

Your friend sounds very much like an abused woman and although she seems sweet and wonderful, you don't know who she will be when she is healed and becomes a more assertive and confident person.  Abuse erodes self worth and confidence away, leaving the person "chronically nice" sometimes.  She's sensitive to control, and is probably that way because she is afraid to say no.  Situations that place her in a situation where she has to put up a boundary by saying no may feel very uncomfortable to her.  The issues she has more than likely are not as simple as you see them to be.  The boundary issue or as you put it, until she thinks that she is put in a corner, is a very deep seated issue that has to do with her ability to see herself as having personal power and value.  Those two things are very difficult to re-instill in a person and you do not have the skill set to do that.  This woman needs to see a counselor and work on her issues.  She suffers from trauma and will not just be able to forget about the past and look at a relationship without being scared unless she gets professional help and lots of it.

You might read a book called Angry Men and the Women Who Love Them.  The cycle of abuse is almost formulaic so it is no wonder that she indicated that what you found was similar to what she went through.  The problem is, part of the reason she went through it was because of the issues in her own life and those are the same issues that will keep her bound.  You might research Stockholm Syndrome as well since many abused women suffer from that as well.  Stockholm Syndrome is where the victim starts to identify with their abuser and defend them.  The attachment that she has to this person is a fantasy.  She is/was in love with the person she thought he was rather than who he really was.  This is typical as well.  Most abuse victims need a professional to help them break out of their own pattern of denial so they can live in the real world.  

If you choose to be with this woman you will need to continue to be understanding, patient and calm.  She will be pretty high maintenance for awhile and understandably so.  She will react to triggers that you don't know are there and not be able to overcome them.  Many abused women need high levels of trauma therapy in order to move past their traumatic past.  Abuse is debilitating and long term.

I hope that I have given you enough to work with.  You may want to look at my blog as well...it addresses a lot of these issues.  You can find it at www.livingwellcc.blogspot.com   If I can be of any further assistance, please feel free to contact me.

Blessings, Kriss Mitchell
www.livingwellcc.com