Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 9/10/2011

Question
Hi,
I'm 27 and about 3wks ago I ended a 3 yr relationship with the father or my 16 month old daughter (he is 24). 2 yrs of our relationship consisted of lies, cheating, and abuse. I know in my heart and repeatedly tell myself that I made the right decision by asking him to leave...yet i find myself in a position where i feel empty without him. I'm smart, college educated (nurse), not bad looking at all and have an awesome personality. These are all traits that others have also pointed out to me and yet my mind plays the stupid game of "If everyone else can see this, than why wasn't I good enough for him to want to change and fear losing me?". The physical abuse stopped when my daughter was 3 months after a really bad incident. He had came home from a night of going out and I confronted him and asked him to leave because I was DONE! He had been drinking and FLIPPED!! He bit me, grabbed my face and head butted me, threw me to the ground and persisted to try and stomp on me all the while I was carrying our 1 month old daughter. AT that moment I truly felt that i was going to die, and how unfair all of this was to my beautiful baby. I was able to call the police and he was sentenced to ONE month in jail for DV. After serving him time he came to me swearing he was a changed man and that he couldn't believe that he did that to me. He said the time he spent in jail away from me and our daughter was a life changing experience that made him realize if he didnt change he would lose us. So i like a fool i believed every word. Who doesnt want a relationship with the father of their child to work??? For a while all was good AND than the verbal abuse started. If we argued he was quick to say "Shut the F**k up" or call me a B*tch or whore. If i didnt understand how to do something he would say "how can you be so smart yet so dumb?", if I didnt agree with something it was because i was always against him, or so thats what he thought. I now realise how all the put down have effected me. Due to the fact that we do have a child i cannot just CUT him out of my life, so there is still contact. To this day he blames me for the reason we didnt work out. He says that had "I" just changed and kept my "sweetness" that I had when he 1st met me he would've kept his. He would say that since i'm older I should've been the adult when we argued and not stooped to his level by arguing back. WOW!! The nerve right? I know this is not true and that the abuse from the start was NOT my fault and that for all that he has put me through the only emotion he deserves from me is HATE. Yet i don't hate him. I miss having him around and i focus on the good aspects of him, the sweet guy he was capable of being. Because of course he was not always a jerk. We laughed, were able to hang out and have a genuinely good time together. Even broken up he's able to get to me. He tells me the day is going to come when he moves on and meets someone else and that there really is going to be no hope for us. He says he is "offering" me the opportunity to work it out so that in the long run once he's truly gone I don't suffer. The thought of him being w/ someone else and possibly treating them the way i deserved to have been treated makes my stomach turn. YET I know that to will fade and the poor girl will suffer the same as I did. So what do I do? How does my soul move on and let go? When is enough enough and when and how can I reach that? I know all of this is so wrong and had it happened to my sister I would tell her RUN and don't look back. So why is it that I cant tell myself that? I'll be honest...I want him back and the ball as of right now is in my court. I want to believe that for US he can change.  I fear that If i wait to long he just might let go and than what? this is all so twisted and I realize that. I grew up in a loving home and don't have answers as to why I put up with this. i don't want my daughter to think this is a way a woman should be treated. I am so very confident yet at the same time I don't feel good enough. I don't need him financially what so ever, in fact its the other way around. I have my own place, car, great career, and the blessing to wake up to our daughter every single day. how to i undo what he has done to my self esteem? I want to get to the point where i'm okay with him moving and tell as well as believe that one day i will get better.

Answer
Hi Erika,
What a courageous and amazing woman you are!  I applaud you for all that you have done and for taking the steps to get out of this relationship.  Yes, it is hard and you are grieving not only the loss of a relationship but the loss of a dream as well.  You had a dream to become a family like you were raised in and now that isn't possible with this man...it really never was.  Give yourself time to grieve without using any crutches to stop the pain.  Cry as much as you need to, talk and process what has happened with your friends and go out on long walks to think about what has happened and where you are going to go from here.  Walking not only is good exercise, but it is bilateral stimulation that will help you process your thoughts and emotions.

I can guarantee you that this man will not move on to the next person and live happily ever after.  How do I know?  Because he has not done the work that he needs to do in order to change.  Men who are physically violent and display predatory charm like you are describing need a lot of therapy in order to change their behaviors and their thought processes.  He has not done that work and there is no way that he could change simply by saying he would.  That is why he didn't.  It has nothing to do with how much he values the relationship and it certainly has nothing to do with your value or worth.  What it is linked to is changing deep seated belief systems and defense mechanisms that have been in place for a very long time.  He doesn't want to do that as evidenced by the fact that he isn't seeking help.

What you described in your email was the cycle of abuse. Part of what I am going to tell you here is on my blog at http://livingwellcc.blogspot.com/2010/09/cycle-of-abusedomestic-violence.html   I would encourage you to go there and look at some of the information I have posted.  It may help you in your process to move on.  

"Although the cycle of abuse is more difficult to see when inside an abusive relationship, it is so common that volumes of books have been written about it and it is as predictable as the change of seasons.  It will change in some respects due to the uniqueness of the people within the relationship, however the fundamental characteristics remain the same.  

There are three stages in the cycle, each fueled by the denial of both parties involved.  Some of this denial can be seen in mothers and/or fathers who don't think that their children are effected by the abuse that goes on, they aren't effected by seeing their primary caregiver hit, called names or disrespected to the point of tears.  Other places of denial can be found in addictions, self blame, minimizing what is happening within the relationship.  I hear the comment that "he only hit me once".....isn't once enough?  Or, "if he does it again, I'm going to leave"....why does he have to do it again, didn't this time count?  Those are the most obvious places of denial, but it exists in more covert forms as well.  Victims of abuse deny their own power in saying no.....they give in to isolation or control because it is "easier" to do so, or because it "keeps the peace".   

The first stage is the tension building phase.  In this stage the victim may deny what is happening and excuse behavior as coming from some outside stress like work; she will blame herself for her abuser's behavior and deny that the abuse will worsen.  The abuser denies by blaming the tension on the victim, work, the traffic, the children or anything that might serve as a plausible reason for the behavior....getting drunk denies responsibility for the actions taken.  This stage is filled with minimizing and justifying behavior.   
At this point the abuser is moody, nitpicking and he attempts to isolate the victim.  He withdraws affection, yells, puts down, drinks, threatens, destroys property, criticizes, is sullen and is overall rather crazy making.   The victim's response to the tension that builds is filled with attempts to calm the abuser, nurturing him, staying away from family and friends, keeping the kids quiet, agreeing with him, withdrawing, many attempts at reasoning with him, cooking his favorite dinner and just a general feeling of walking on eggshells.  Abuse victims hesitate to place the responsibility where it belongs because they are becoming uncertain of their own judgments....perhaps the abuser is right, perhaps it is me.  If I was just a better wife, a better daughter or son....perhaps if I just get dinner on the table when he wants it he won't get mad...if I dress a certain way, have sex every time he wants it....if I just do those things he'll be happy.  Unfortunately the victim begins taking on responsibility for the feelings and behavior of the abuser and in all reality, the victim cannot control those things...only the abuser can.  

The second stage is the explosion.  At this point the abuser has reacted, whether it be violently or has emotionally or verbally wounded the victim and then mocked her for feeling hurt.  This is the event that encapsulates the most destruction whether it be hitting, choking, beating, humiliation, imprisonment, rape, verbal abuse or destroying pets or property.  The victim usually responds by protecting herself any way she can, police may be called either by herself, her children or a neighbor and again there may be many attempts to calm the abuser or reason with him.  In some cases the victim may fight back or even leave.  Even if she does leave, in this phase the victim will probably deny any injuries she has received, calling them minor and saying "I bruise easily" or "I ran into a door", "it wasn't that bad".  If the injuries are not physical, the victim finds it more difficult to identify the wounding as injury so minimizes it and tries not to feel the hurt.  She denies it by blaming the tension on work or minimizing what happened because it didn't require police or medical help.  If drinking was involved the excuse of "He didn't know what he was doing" is often heard or a wife doesn't label sexual assault as rape because it was her husband.  The abuser will always blame what happened on the victim, on stress...anything but taking responsibility for what happened.  

The third stage is the honeymoon phase.  This phase is characterized by the abuser profusely apologizing, begging forgiveness and adding promises to get counseling, go to church, go to AA, send flowers etc.  He will promise never to do it again, declare his love for the victim, cry and even enlist the support of the family if the victim decides to leave.  In most cases, the victim will agree to stay or take him back, attempt to stop any legal processes that have been put into place, set up counseling appointments for him and end up feeling happy and hopeful about the future.   She will often minimize the injuries at that point, saying it could have been worse, she believes this is the way it will stay, she now has the man of her dreams and she believes his promises to change.  Interestingly enough, the abuser also believes that it won't happen again....until it does.

This cycle repeats over and over.  With each cycle, the intensity will usually increase and the length of the honeymoon phase will decrease.  The end result can be one of several outcomes....1) the victim will leave, 2) the victim stays and her will and self esteem becomes so worn down that she doesn't protest against the control and domination, she just accepts it...becoming more depressed and more lost as time goes by, or 3) the victim is killed or critically injured."

Erika, when he came home from jail you entered the honeymoon phase which is why it seemed so good, but he couldn't hold on to it, just like all abusers can't.  You asked how to get better.  Abuse counseling is the best way to do that and if you can find a counselor who does EMDR, so much the better.  You have been through a lot of trauma and may want to find out if you could have PTSD as a result of the abuse you have been through.  There is hope and there is help, but you can't recover by yourself.  Invest in yourself with a good counselor and you will get back to being who you are, with a bit more wisdom and a lot more confidence.

If I can be of any further assistance, please feel free to contact me again.  I truly wish you and your daughter well as you move out of this very bad place in your life and into a more joyful and loving world.  You are worth it!

Blessings, Kriss Mitchell
www.livingwellcc.com
www.livingwellcc.blogspot.com